Throwback Thursday: I used to think that I needed to compensate for my weight..

From the BB:

Hello, Lovely readers! As you can see from the above title, I used to think that I had to compensate for my weight. This is a deep-rooted belief that STILL troubles me sometimes, but I am working on it.

What do I mean by “compensating” for my weight? It’s actually a lot more complicated than it sounds.

I do mean the typical kinds of being-fat-and-self-conscious compensation, such as trading a meal for a protein shake and feeling awesome about it, denying a deliciously decadent dessert or seductively salty snack, and/or singing my own praises for losing a pound and damning myself for gaining half-a-pound. BUT, I am also referring to types of compensation that are much more troubling than these; practices that I know other fatties have probably participated in, but at the same time I wouldn’t wish them upon anyone.

Until my awakening into body positivity and self-love, which means my entire life until my last year of college, I would compensate for my fat in ways that were unhealthy, detrimental, and simply illogical in order to feel better about being fat. (That means that today’s throwback covers a large span of time, and is pretty fresh in my mind—I may get emotional!)

The underlying cause of this compensation was the fact that I felt I had to make up for the fact that I was fat in every other aspect of my life. I believed, based on fat shaming, things people told me, the attitudes towards fat that I saw in the media, and my own damaged self-concept, that each positive act in my life would absolve me of my ultimate crime: being overweight.

This is tough to write about—and potentially tough to read about—but it has been such a presence in my life that I feel it is important to give voice to. I hope that it empowers you to examine your own attitudes towards your body and relieve yourself of some of these burdensome practices.

Here’s a list of the top five ways that I used to compensate for being fat:

1. Achievement: I used to believe that any positive achievements in my life automatically absolved me, bit by bit, of my worst quality: being fat. For example, if I received an award, a good grade, praise, or a compliment I immediately applied it to my mental tally of what made up for my weight. This was troubling because it meant that even in the face of achievement and positivity, my weight was never truly off of my mind. I would literally think to myself: “Well, I got an A on the paper, and so-and-so said I did a nice job playing floor hockey in gym class, so everyone is probably focusing on those things much more than my weight. Score for me!” It isn’t healthy to obsess over body type this much, period! But I did it. Constantly. Each time something positive happened in my life, the creeping thoughts about weight compensation were not far behind.

2. Self-Discipline: This is a practice that I have discussed with other fat people and read about extensively, so I know I am not alone here. Also, people who are thin, medium sized, or really any size fall victim to putting self-discipline on a pedestal. It’s something that we are taught so widely by the media, the way that weight loss advertisements address body type, and the praise and feedback we are given by others. I used to believe that when I denied myself a snack or abstained from sitting on the couch all day, I was compensating for my weight. I used to believe that self-discipline, when it came to avoiding certain foods, “lazy” activities, or even starving myself, made me a better person, and definitely made up for my being fat. If people saw that I wasn’t eating, they couldn’t blame me for being fat, right? People would even make comments to me such as, “You really don’t each much! I guess you really are just big-boned!” These comments weren’t meant to hurt me, but they perpetuated my belief that being praised for starving myself was healthy. Self-discipline is valuable for motivating yourself towards your goals, preferably in a healthy way, but it absolutely DOES NOT demonstrate your value as a person when the type of discipline is unhealthy.

3. Qualifying: I cannot tell you how many times qualifying my thoughts, actions, and beliefs made me feel better about being fat. For example, if I qualified myself as the funny-fat-girl, not just some fat girl, then I would automatically feel relief in social situations. People could see that I was fat without even talking to me, but if I could immediately utter a funny quip or insert a witty joke, my hope was that people would think: “Oh, well she’s actually pretty funny. Cool!” Qualifying goes deeper than this, too. Qualifying means that I would justify my fat constantly, thinking to myself “Okay, I’m fat but I’m also a good friend,” and hoping that others were thinking, “Okay she’s fat, but that was a really cool poem she wrote.” This ties back to the tendency to account for your fatness when first meeting someone, putting it out there that you are aware of your fat before another person can have a thought about it or point it out, that myself and the WW have cited in earlier blog entries. It’s the difference in thinking between “Well, I’m fat, BUT….” and “I’m fat, AND…” That difference is HUGE. (Pun intended).

4. Self-Deprecation Masking Self-Loathing: All those self-deprecating jokes I used to make, clever and humorous stabs at my own fat, were really masking self-loathing. I used to hate myself. I don’t say that lightly, either. I really could not stand to look at myself in a mirror, think about my weight, or confidently stand in front of a group without thinking to myself “You look like a stupid, fat idiot right now.” I absolutely detested my body and everything about it, from how it fit into clothes to how it looked when I sat down. I used to punch my gut and hope that my body would respond to the violence by shrinking. I used to run my nails over my stomach and scratch it, hoping to show it that it wasn’t wanted. I used to squeeze myself into tight little balls, hoping to shrink myself and to shrink away from my horrible, ruined body. And yes, I used to look in the mirror naked, as young as age 15, and think to myself: “What have I done to my ruined body?” (At this point in the entry, things are getting incredibly emotional for me). These are all actual effects of body negativity. Again I ask, if people knew how deep fat shaming goes, would they make fun of people for their bodies?

5. Self-Silencing: While at times I would over-compensate for being fat by trying to be funny and outgoing, at other times I would censor myself and silence myself in order to make up for it. Here’s the illogical thought process here: “I’ll hide myself in plain sight, I’ll be invisible. If people don’t notice me in intellectual and social spaces, then they’ll be less likely to notice the physical space that I take up with my enormous body.” This is the most recent and current form of fat compensation that I have participated in. In fact, it is the one that still troubles me to this day, at certain moments. I used to find myself reticent to speak up, even if I had a great idea or contribution, in class, in my circle of friends, and especially in front of strangers, because I assumed that they would stare at my fat body instead of listening to my voice. This problem was so terrible that it even extended to social media. Before my fat compensation got too out of control, I would post thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and poetry on my social media sites, really putting myself out there. The more self-conscious I became of my fat, the more I started silencing myself in person and online. I took down my poetry. I stopped posting my thoughts all the time. I didn’t want anything personal and important to me out there for anyone to judge, because a judgment about something I thought, felt, or wrote connected back in my mind to a judgment about my body. I didn’t want to be anymore vulnerable than I already was—if I kept myself locked up inside my mind, then the only vulnerability I had was my physical body, and what was I going to do about that anyway?

Whew. I hope you’ve made it this far with me, because it’s going to get less upsetting, I promise. (However, sometimes upsetting is good—it means that the point is real and valid, and it makes us reexamine our point of view).

I fully believe that eliminating number five on this list, self-silencing, has made the biggest impact in my life because it feeds into the other four fat compensation practices. I have always advocated for the power that comes from writing, and reasserting the power of SHARING writing along with the act of writing itself has helped me immensely. Having others benefit from, critique, or validate your own writing is a wonderful feeling. Having others that share your experiences or offer new experiences and perspectives is even better. With the conception of this blog I have reawakened my own desire to express myself. Even a year ago I would have NEVER said nor posted on the internet that I am fat and proud. Well, guess what?

I’M FAT AND PROUD.

And that is utterly empowering, truthful, and therapeutic to say. I have discovered the power of AND and rediscovered myself. I’m not funny but fat, I’m funny AND fat. Everything I am is an AND, and the power that comes from realizing and embracing a whole and full identity is truly amazing.

I can make a fat pun and laugh, not at myself, but with myself, because I am fat AND proud AND funny AND I like puns AND I like to write AND I like to dress my fat body AND I like to look at my fat body AND I like to feel whole and beautiful.

The power of AND is the best advice I can give to anyone who compensates for their body type. Don’t shadow your achievements with self-conscious thoughts, don’t qualify your words, actions, or self, don’t hate yourself, and certainly don’t silence yourself.

I’d like to end today’s entry with a quote from a favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers song, “Soul to Squeeze” (Music therapy is great, too! Writing put to action!):

“When I find my peace of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time

You're so polite indeed
Well I've got everything I need
I'll make my days a breeze
Then take away my self-destruction

It's bitter baby and it's very sweet
I'm on a rollercoaster but I'm on my feet”