In a previous Fat Myth Monday, we discussed how we've been guilty of quietly accusing other fatties of having poor hygiene practices. Before we became aware of our fat selves in an empowering way, we also went through several devastating phases. We bought into a lot of the things society tells young fat girls to believe about their bodies, such as the need to diet, the worthlessness of the bigger body, embarrassment towards food, and more. These perceptions often lead to fat women who devalue themselves, develop low self-esteem, participate in crash diets and dieting fads, or even participate in strange eating habits.
From the BB:
I had many weird attitudes towards food (including anger, guilt, and shame) that developed into unhealthy eating habits and self-perceptions. I used to believe that if I did not eat, or ate very little, in front of other people, that they would value and respect me more. So, for this Throwback Thursday, I am going to throwback to a time in my life when I had very poor ideas of what made someone a valuable person. I have since eschewed these weight-centered perceptions of myself in favor of more positive ones. The self-loathing and unhealthy habits of my past are an important part of my journey to body acceptance--and maybe to yours as well.
When I was 15 or 16 years old, my whole universe centered around social acceptance in high school. I wanted my peers to value and esteem me, although those aren't the words I would have used then, because of my physical appearance. Obviously I believe, and even then believed, that intelligence and personality count more, but at the same time I wanted to please my peers by being physically attractive--and I wanted to be thin for them and for me.
So with this unhealthy, but very common, way of thinking about my worth in relation to others, I tried to gain my peers' esteem and sympathy through skipping meals at lunch or eating very little. This was the thought process: "Okay, If I don't eat a lot in front of them, they'll believe that it isn't my fault that I'm fat. They'll respect me more if they believe that it is some kind of accident beyond my control. They'll think that I'm trying to lose weight, and they'll know that I am not just some ugly, fat girl who is too lazy to shed some pounds."
Yes, those were literal thoughts that I had. Depending on where you are in your body acceptance journey, those may seem like distant nightmares, ring true or false to you, or describe exactly how you are feeling. I would prefer that no woman (or man) ever had to go through stages like this--but in a fat-shaming society, these are the real effects.
I didn't know why I was fat in high school. Like I said, compared to my fat now, my fat then was remarkably less fat. Still, I didn't necessarily exercise a lot, but I didn't eat horribly either. Now I know that my genes, my metabolism, my bone structure, and my eating habits combine to make the body that I am in--that I am coming to love. Now I can say those things as logical indicators of my size rather than hide behind a "big boned" excuse in shame. Then, I was just frustrated and confused with my body and size.
Lunch became a terrible time for me. I would constantly look around to ensure that others were looking at me, taking note in their "Keep tabs on fat bitches" binders about my daily calorie intake. I imagined them thinking "Oh, she's not eating much today." Or, "Oh, good for her, she's skipping lunch." While trying to get noticed for eating little to no food, I would also make sure that I looked good doing it. I had to sit a certain way so that my side roll would be mostly hidden by my t-shirt, I had to chew slowly with my mouth closed all the way. Smiling was out of the question--didn't want that food in my teeth showing my lack of self-control.
If people knew the thoughts that run through a fat girl's head, would they be so cruel?
Despite my agonizing attention to detail at lunch, people still ridiculed me for my weight. When someone WOULD comment on my lack of eating, it still didn't make me happy. Fleetingly, I would relish being noticed for not eating, but then I would realize that unless I actually began to lose the weight, the compliments would not last long. Still, I kept up the illogical lunch time routine that inevitably resulted in self-loathing.
I'm absolutely ecstatic to say that these habits and self-perceptions HAVE NOT endured.
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that getting rid of them was an arduous and difficult process.
From the WW:
For me, and for many, the need to diet manifested in multiple ways. Fortunately, I was not one of the girls who really falls into the system with a severe eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. However, I still hated my body and thought I wanted something else, and I tried several "diets" to get what I wanted. I mostly just ended up with food cravings and desired body cravings instead of a desired body.
One thing from my youth that I'd like to highlight is something that often got me into trouble, and for good reason. I understood it less than my parents did, and I think I still don't fully comprehend why I felt the need to do this, but I'm going to try to explain it.
I was a food-sneaker.
I would sneak food from our kitchen into the bedroom and snack on it in secret. I think a small part of it was about the thrill, but most of it was based on one of my "favorite" diets. I often would not eat food while I was at school, and if I did, it was very little. I didn't like other people watching me eat. So the snacks that I took at night were rewards for successfully not eating at school. That doesn't mean that I never ate lunch. I still did a lot of the time. On those days, I often justified the "reward" for having bad thoughts about my body and by promising to not eat the next day.
My parents were understandably upset about this. First of all, it was an extremely unhealthy habit. It put food on a pedestal, I suppose. It made me think of food as a reward for any kind of behavior, rather than something that fueled my body. Secondly, I was taking expensive snacks that were supposed to last longer. And finally, I would hide the wrappers in my bedroom, which is really not okay because of ants and mice and things.
The reward system I had was bad for two specific reasons. It made me think of food in an unhealthy way, like I mentioned above. That way of thinking, especially when it was so well-established, is hard to break. It also made me gain weight rapidly, which really just continued to feed (pardon the pun) the issue, making me want to keep punishing myself and then reward myself.
Now that I am a more self-aware adult, I am still having difficulty breaking down that pedestal. I've managed to create a healthier relationship with food, but there are still days when I say, "I didn't eat breakfast, so I'm going to eat this really big lunch and really big dinner." Everything is a process, and I feel that I am making progress toward a healthier me.
We hope that sharing our stories has empowered you no matter what stage of body acceptance that you are in--or if anyone you know is on a journey to body acceptance. It is a JOURNEY, and that means there will be progress, setbacks, good days and bad. We'd like to leave you with this photo, shared with us on Facebook by someone we admire very much!
 |
| Keep feeling GLORIOUS! |
No comments:
Post a Comment