Activists know the importance of self-care, but what happens
when self care takes a damaging turn? When we talk about activism, any kind of
activism, we warn against burn out and promote self-care, both of which are
important messages. It is unrealistic to think that activists can successfully
muster the empathy, emotional depth, and actionable steps required by their
particular brand of activism without replenishing their own emotional stores
and valuing themselves. However, as activists we want to share what happens on
the opposite side of the spectrum – when self-care becomes self-censorship.
Sometimes self-care
gets too comfortable – so much, in fact, that we stop pushing ourselves outside
of our comfort zones. We stop pushing ourselves to do what is difficult and
eventually rewarding, and instead do what is easy and instantly gratifying. It’s
like being curled up in a big blanket, in your comfiest clothes, with your
favorite hot drink. Always at the right temperature, perfect position. You are
content to stay that way forever. But when self-care comes to a natural end,
you need to climb out of your blanket burrito and face the world again. Not doing so results in a self-care binge, which
sounds awesome, but it isn't. Sort of like spending an entire weekend marathoning
Netflix. You think it is great and
sometimes it is needed, but you get so comfortable staying in that you never
want to go out into the real world and do things like grocery shopping. (You
know, all that adulting junk).
On occasion, staying in self-care mode becomes the
default. You get busy with work or
school and self-care becomes the comfortable must-have lifestyle for when
you're at home. Who wants to come home from work and force themselves to be an
activist? That can be very draining. And so you carry on, stuck in self-care
mode without really realizing the toll it is taking on your self-worth, because
you tell yourself that you don't need to be an activist with everything else
going on.
So one night of zoning-out on the couch becomes two or
three, until you convince yourself that you need just a few more hours, days,
or weeks of time to yourself. Eventually that comfy blanket cocoon isn’t even a
treat or a necessary part of your self-care ritual; it’s a way to justify
ignoring your causes and passions.
This self-care rut we’re describing isn’t just about
spending too much time on the couch; it’s also about the way that we start to
let certain things go, become passive in times that require action, and retreat
into eventual self-doubt. It’s about keeping yourself from your passions for so
long under the guise of self-care that you eventually stop standing up for
others and even yourself.
If you couldn't tell, this is what happened to us. We have
both been filling our lives with work and family and other things, to the point
where fat-activism is at the bottom of the list. Self-censoring showed itself
for the WW last week.
I was perusing my Facebook news feed (which has become
filled with a new group of people in the last year - new job means new Facebook
friends!) when a "let's-make-fun-of-fatties" post climbed its way to
the top of my screen. This has happened before,
but for some reason, this one really did it for me. I think it is because you could tell that the
subject of the post was so self-confident in her fat body and putting it out
there for everyone to see, and here were people I know making it into a joke. It was like a personal attack on me, because
I am self-confident in my fat body. I
could see a lot of similarities between myself and that woman. And it made me feel disgusting, like a big
oozing blob. And then my confidence came
in and kicked blob's ass and I became very angry. Angry because how dare the person share this,
knowing I am fat? (I realize it was not
with me specifically in mind, but logic was not present in my mind at this
point). So I started working up a
comment in my mind, thinking about how I was really going to show them and make
them realize what they made me feel. But
then I remembered that it wasn't even a share with me (I just saw it because a
friend had been tagged in it), so I decided to do my own status about the
hypocrisy of liking and respecting me, but making fun of others for looking
like me. And then I did something that
made me even angrier: I deleted every carefully-thought out phrase, every angry
word, and allowed self-censoring to take over.
I immediately closed my laptop and angry-cleaned for about
ten minutes before texting the BB. I was
so angry with the post and with myself, but I realized that perhaps my
self-care had gone on too long. I had
grown comfortable in my figurative blanket burrito. Even when I don't allow self-care to grow
over my activism, I still don't always feel safe posting about my passion for
body-positivity online for fear of the response of others.
That implied or overtly manifested gaze, the response of
others, is exactly what enables an unhealthy amount of self-care. Self-censoring
started for me (BB here!) when I began going to the gym. This is a
much-talked-about topic within the fat community, from the debate and research
on Health at Every size to the tenuous relationship between exercise, eating
habits, health, and self-esteem that play into body politics. I want to get
back to a place where blogging, writing, and activism feel like a treat; where
it isn’t stressful to stand up for what I believe in, but rather a privilege, a
passion, and an impetus. The only way to do this is to move beyond that silence
that began with my gym membership.
My partner and I decided to start going to the gym because
we both wanted to feel better. We work office jobs so extensive physical
activity does not happen on most days. However, I would be lying to myself if I
didn’t say that there were other reasons that I wanted to go to the gym. My
wedding photos were a deciding factor as well. We had a simple, intimate
ceremony and celebration with photos taken by family members. When the time
came to get the pictures back and look over them, both my partner and I were
upset about how we looked. At that moment I should have re-evaluated my
perspective. This was a beautiful day that celebrated us – I should be able to
look back at the memories positively. Instead, I let myself be critical and
gave in to how traditional wedding photos should look, resulting in this
unhealthy view becoming part of my rollercoaster relationship with the gym.
I tried to justify to myself that feeling better was the
only reason I wanted to start working out again, but it really wasn’t. I
couldn’t get this plan of redemption out of my head. Look better than wedding
photo = justify my existence and previous lapse of sanity that led to me being
fat. Instead of reaching out to someone about my feelings or talking myself out
of it, I stayed silent. I stopped writing. I ceased standing up for myself and
others when I witnessed body shaming, and instead told myself that the only
road to recovery was self-care.
That self-care (shutting out others under the guise of
taking me time) became extremely destructive for me. I felt guilt over being a
bad activist, but at the same time felt I couldn’t go back to my writing
efforts because I would be hypocritical. What kind of bopo activist hates her
own body? These feelings were reinforced
when others found out I was going to the gym and praised my efforts. I felt a
sense of happiness at being recognized for my effort (attagirl, fattie!) but at
the same time felt hurt that the same people commenting on my time at the gym
had never once said anything positive about my blogging or activism. I also
felt outrage that I was receiving praise for something that wasn’t anyone’s
business, yet I was a hypocrite for putting it out there for people to comment
in the first place. This one event became the catalyst for months of
silence.
In typical Gribbski fashion, we want to give you some
actionable steps to go along with the empathetic oohs and ahhs and awesome
sense of validation you’ve been feeling while reading this. (That’s right,
we’re awesome! And so are you!)
1. Recognize when self-care becomes damaging: Look for signs of
this like those we have described. If you feel yourself slipping away from your
passions or notice that your retreat into Netflix and blanket land starts
happening more than usual, try to be pro-active and remind yourself of the
reasons why you’re a bad ass activist.
2. You CAN repair your self-worth: Reach out to a friend, do
some credible internet research, or do a stream of consciousness writing
exercise where you get all your feelings out. Acknowledge your negative
feelings, but make sure that you look for resources to rekindle your passion.
Self-affirmations are really effective as well. You and your message are worth
it!
3. Use self-care missteps to your advantage: Knowing the
warning signs of burn out is just as important as knowing the warning signs of
destructive self-care. The journey to body positivity, and the journey of any
activist, really, is an imperfect one. Never feel ashamed of these missteps, but instead learn from them and unapologetically share how the experiences have influenced your journey. You never know how much your words may help another person. Follow your voice instead of the silence.
