To you,
Today we went out in your truck to pick up some candles and
flashlights at the Dollar Tree in case our power goes out because of this
weirdo snowstorm we’re getting. On the
way there, you commented on the amount of people walking, some clutching their
coats with bare fingers, some with children, some who just looked cold and
defeated. You told me that if you were
alone, you’d pick these people up and take them wherever they needed to go. When I offered to squeeze myself into the
backseat with our two-year-old niece’s car seat, you declined because it would
be uncomfortable for me. But on the way
there AND on the way back, you kept mentioning it. If I was alone, I’d go pick them up. So when we got home, you dropped me off, and
you did exactly that.
You went out in a snowstorm just to offer rides to strangers
who were walking.
I know that part of it was excitement. You LOVE to go out and drive in the
snow. You call it playing. But you also are responsible when you “play”;
you knew when it was time to come home because it was getting too dangerous,
even for your reliable truck. But the
fact that you went out there to help other people is amazing, and it is one of
the MANY reasons I love you.
Shortly after we had been dating long enough to be considered
serious, one of my grandmothers asked me what I loved about you. It was a hard question at the time, mostly
because a lot of that emotion was still new and difficult to put into words, but
also because there wasn’t always a specific list of qualities. Since I met you, there has just been
something about you and how you make me feel.
I feel like I am my entire self with you, and you make me feel home, if
home could be considered an adjective.
But when my enormous family is spread out everywhere, it is difficult
for them to get to know you, so I understand (perhaps more now than I did then)
why the question was important.
So, after four years, five months, and five days, here’s the
top five (out of the many) things I’ve come up with:
5.
Well, obviously, you’re ridiculously
attractive. Before you tell me I’m
shallow, let me explain why that was the first thing I put on here. Your appearance is obviously not the most
important thing to me, but it is the first thing that drew me to you. Your physical appearance was the first
identifier I had for you (I called you Tall Guy
for about a month before I knew your name), so I think that’s pretty
important. Even though it drives me nuts
when you won’t grow out your hair or when you wear colors that look weird
together, I am still just as attracted to you as I was when I asked you for
those bagels.
4.
You have seen me at my absolute worst and you
are patient with me. We’ve been
through a lot, especially in the last two years. We’ve hit some extreme lows, and even when
I’m determined not to speak to you for days, you insist on making things better
before the day is over. At first I was
annoyed. I was mad and I wanted to be
mad and you weren’t going to let me. I
probably don’t tell you this enough now, but this is something about you that I
am really grateful for because it shows me that you are always willing to fight
for us.
3.
Your family values. When I say family values, readers, I mean
what families should do or not do for one another. Over the years, you’ve helped me as I’ve
struggled to balance multiple families and subsequently, multiple definitions
of what a family should or should not be/do.
At first, your idea of what families do was weird to me. But now, I get it, and I love that your idea
of family includes everything from my families that is wonderful and more. You helped me balance those values in a way
that felt right to me.
2.
Your unwavering selflessness and caring for
people in need is DEFINITELY one of the top three. You show it in a lot of little ways, but your
actions today are a perfect example of this.
Another thing that could go in this category is the fact that you
believe all people deserve human rights, including one that is very important
to me: the right to marry whomever you please.
1.
You
have always been my number one supporter. Your love and support have been
crucial in helping me establish self-confidence and empower myself. You continue to support now when I’m figuring
out how to love and respect my body, and I know you will continue to do so in
the future.
This list barely even scratches the surface of our love and
friendship, but I hope it shows you how much you mean to me. I’m looking forward to the rest of our lives
together, and I swear to God or whatever that I don’t care how cheesy it sounds
because it is true, but as long as I’m with you, I’m always home, home as an
adjective and home as a noun (because we will hopefully always be lucky enough
to have an actual, physical home).
Love times a billion*,
Me
* to which you’ll probably say, “times a billion plus
infinity and one because I love you more” or something since you love to argue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the BB:
As a preface to my letter, I would like to share an anecdote with you guys to put things into context.
I began seeing my partner six years and four months ago, about six months after my sixteenth birthday. We were friends first and failed lovers a couple of times before we actually decided to go for it. Fact: We did not have a real argument until we were about a year into our relationship, which for me signifies when we both started to get more mature, serious, and invested in one another. (Not that we weren’t totally committed and crazy about each other the whole time before that, too!). Then and now, we are the kind of partners that tell each other everything, that love to watch movies together and then analyze them, and really enjoy having thoughtful conversations about any number of topics.
A few months after we started dating, around six months according to my partner, I started to share my body insecurities with him more and more. He was, of course, supportive and really enthusiastic about us being together, so he always reassured me that he thought I was beautiful. However, this was a time when I was totally NOT okay with my body because of what everyone else was saying about me, and I felt that his support came from a place of dishonesty even though it didn’t. Thus, I decided that I needed him to call me fat, or else he wasn’t being honest with me.
THIS WAS A HUGE MISTAKE FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS.
First of all, I really wasn’t fat back then. Chubby, yes, but not fat by most standards. I was just fatter than most girls at my school. Anyway, back to the point. Secondly, I misjudged my partner’s previous responses…he wasn’t lying! He did love my body, and actually didn’t think I was fat…so there’s that. Thirdly, I simply WAS NOT ready to hear that kind of comment from my partner even though I thought I was.
So, fast forward to me badgering him in a McDonald’s parking lot to tell me that I was fat. He put up a good fight and refused to tell me for awhile…but I just kept pushing it. Kept telling him that he was being dishonest, etc. So he finally said “Okay, I guess you are bigger than when we started dating. I guess you are overweight…but I love you and I think you’re beautiful.”
I cried.
I was totally not ready to hear this…and he wasn’t ready to say it, or mean it, either! I coerced him into making me feel bad about myself, into telling me the same types of (then) horrible, detrimental things that I said to myself. I made myself think that I deserved this treatment from both him and me. It was awful.
Flash forward to age 22: A much better time in my life for body acceptance, after my first feminism class, after many more years with my partner, and after much more self-acceptance and security in my identity. (Also after realizing that “overweight” and “fat,” when used in a honest context, are not detrimental/offensive/negative!)
He and I are laying in bed together, snuggling, and he is running his hands all over my back and midsection, just really feeling me next to him. (I am doing the same to him). He leans towards my ear and says “mmm, I just love your body.”
With a twinge of self doubt, but also a lot of confidence and true curiosity, I say: “Why? My body is fat, and I’m okay with that, but what makes you like it especially?”
His reply, without coercion, badgering, or hesitation: “It’s just the way it feels so warm. The way I can run my hands over each part and it’s so soft and familiar. I like that you’re fat—I’m attracted to it and it turns me on. I love the different parts that I can hold on to, I love kissing your tummy and midsection. I love your body, when we’re snuggling or otherwise, because it’s fat. It’s just something that makes me attracted to you, that I love about you.”
Cue me melting into the mattress in a mess of emotions. Yes, THIS HAPPENED FOR A FAT GIRL.
My partner loves my body BECAUSE OF, not in spite of, my FAT!
This event is just one of the many reasons that I love my partner, and a milestone in my body acceptance. Ultimately you have to love your own body, but it sure as fuck helps when the person that you are closest to in life loves it this much, too!
That moment was such an intimate, comforting revelation for me. I immediately thought back to the scenario from when I was sixteen. Now I know that I am ready to hear the truth about my body in a way that I wasn’t then, and I also know that my body has changed and that the word fat is a more true, honest, and positive adjective now that it ever was then—and I’m totally okay with it. This beautiful moment has inspired so much of my journey, and reinforced the love and attraction between my partner and myself, who has NEVER been unattracted to my body in any of its forms, by the way.
So, I want to dedicate my Dear Someone Sunday letter to my wonderful partner, and leave it here to show any and all of you readers what you or your fat partner deserve in a relationship!
Dear Snugglebear,
Yes, I just used your pet name on the internet. I know that you won’t mind, though.
I know that you will remember clearly, because of your amazing, almost creepily accurate memory, both of the scenarios described above. I know I’ve told you before, but I hope that this entry reinforces just how important and defining those moments were to me.
We’ve been through hell. And not just with my body issues, anxiety, and insecurities. Without spilling too much of your own personal life on my blog, I’ve got to say that you have lived through more terrible incidents, and come out a stronger person because of them, than anyone I know. Most people would give up after facing the same challenges that you have in life, and not everyone in the world fully comprehends what you have been through. I’d like to think, and I know that you agree, some of that has been a shared burden that has made our relationship, as well as our connection to each another, stronger.
There is so much that I could write to you about our relationship, and how much that means to me. But we are so communicative that I think you know most of that—from my lovey dovey thoughts about you to the fucked up, anxiety-induced scenarios that my brain concocts, we are very open and connected. We are out true complete and whole selves around each other in a way that we are not with everyone else.
What I really want to tell you, here and now, is how you have impacted my journey to body acceptance, since it is something so new, exciting, and challenging for me. Every time you have read my blog (everyday, folks!) and told me how proud you are, I have smiled and thanked you. What I haven’t explicitly told you is that you should take pride in yourself too, because your support and enthusiasm has helped lead me here, to a place of happiness in my own skin.
First of all, I’m just going to go ahead and say that our sex life is better. It has always been great, but me loving my body, instead of just YOU loving my body, has made great improvements in my confidence. I am now willing to see myself as sexy, just as you always have. Confidence goes a long way—in private and public!
Also, my self-love and your support have given me a new kind of armor totally different from the green-eiu-hoodie variety. I don’t hide myself anymore, and I don’t make excuses for myself, either. I am honest about my body to others in a way that I never was in the past with how I dress, act, and eat. My armor is my confidence and your love.
And now, I would like to go ahead and let my individual FAT body parts give their thanks to you:
From my infamous GUT: Thank you for soothing me when I was sick, holding me when I was scared, and kissing me when showing your love. Thank you for preventing the BB from seriously hurting me each time she punched me in hate and anger before her body acceptance phase. Thank you for kissing me and making it better when she threatened to cut me off.
From my LOVE HANDLES: Thank you for holding us close, embracing our shape, and showing your attraction for us. Thanks for having a sense of humor about us and the GUT, too!
From my THICK NECK: Thank you for kissing me softly, sensually, sweetly, and sillilly (made that last word up to keep the alliteration going!). I know that I have hated myself a lot in the not-so-distant past, but you are always there to love me.
From my CHUBBY FINGERS: Thank you for putting a ring on it (Beyonce dance!!) Our engagement was a mutual decision, but the ring is a symbol of your dedication and love for us and the body that we are attached to!
From me, ALL OF ME, (and that’s a lot to love, folks!), thank you for your kindness, patience, dedication, honesty, and steadfast love, devotion, and attraction through all stages of my mind and body. You are truly the perfect partner, and my life is fuller and richer from being with you. I know that we will continue to grow (maybe in body but I was thinking in heart and mind!) together throughout our lives—and that is something else that I love about us.
Love always,
The Wibz
(My pet name!)
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