Just me today. The WW.
I've been word-vomiting on an open document for the past thirty minutes because I've been thinking about some things and questioning myself today. Word-vomiting is a really good way to process during a struggle because you can write exactly what you're feeling in a particular moment and instead of forgetting it, you can go back and think about those feelings later. Now that I've done that and kind of worked through what I've been struggling with, I wanted to share what I'm dealing with right now for a couple of reasons. One, I want you all to know that it is never over. That sounds hopeless, but even at this point in my journey to self-acceptance, the questioning and self-doubt is still here. The only thing that has changed is my ability to handle it. Two, I want you to see that even though it is never over, it is absolutely possible to practice handling it until you get better at it. Three, I want you to know that we are vulnerable.
There's a lot of shit you have to deal with when you're fat. Everyone knows that. You deal with jokes, insults, "concern," self-hatred, unhealthy habits, etc. In addition to all of this, there's a whole new list of things you have to deal with when you're fat and proud. Just because you love yourself and feel confident 80% of the time doesn't mean everything else goes away. Some things are there, some things disappear, and others are replaced with new, unfamiliar difficulties. The latter is what I'm focusing on today.
"BUT WAIT! This blog is all about self-empowerment! Why would you pick such a hopeless thing to write about? How's that supposed to make us feel?" <---probably some of you right now because let's be honest, that opening was pretty bleak.
Self-empowerment doesn't mean only talking about the good things and the things that make you feel powerful. Yeah, obviously that's the main idea, but you're never going to get anywhere positive unless you also take the time to really think about the things that make you feel weak and disempowered. Not evaluating those parts of your identity give them power, and it will only make things harder later. If you only want to read things on this blog that are going to end with a happy message, this post will be a sore disappointment, because that's reality. You don't have to like this post, but I encourage you to read it anyway.
Betrayal of Self, Betrayal of Community, or Not Even A Betrayal at All
I am committed to advocacy. I believe it is important to creating a positive change within every community. This blog is especially important to me because it has given me a voice within a community I can directly identify with: the fat community. I like to think that I am creating positive change for other people, but also for myself in the process. I've been very comfortable within this position. I am supported and encouraged to do what I think is right, and I am safe while doing so.
Part of this commitment to advocacy has led me to this new job. I now have a chance to work with a different community that I cannot directly identify with. I know in my head that I am supported by my coworkers in this new community, but I don't feel it yet, so I'm still vulnerable.
My struggle has been to reconcile my strength within one community and my uncertainty within another. One of the discoveries that I've made about myself in the last two weeks is that I do not take care of myself as well as I've been wanting to, and that is going to need to change for this job if I want to be successful. The kids are focused on being healthy, both emotionally and physically. I feel that I am emotionally healthy, but I know that I am not physically healthy. Right now I'm not referring to my size when I talk about my health. I'm talking about the fact that I don't eat right or exercise enough. The weight comes in in a far more complicated way. I don't think I need to lose weight for this job. I think I need to change my habits, and I think that I will probably lose weight as a result of that change, but that is not the end goal.
So far, not bad. I want to make healthy changes, and I might happen to lose weight when I do that. Here's the problem with it. I've been so comfortable in my position as a fat and proud person that I'm afraid if I lose weight, I will also lose a valuable part of my identity. I know some people reading this are thinking that I should not place so much value on my physical size or my flesh, but the fact is I do, because it has been such a shaper for my identity.
I used to think that if I just lost weight, I would be happy and that's all it would take. Now that I love my body and I'm confident with my emotional stability on the matter, I'm afraid to change that. I don't want to lose weight and simply become another "success" story and get lost in the fold. I want my success story to be about my committment to advocacy and my confidence and empowerment. I've been afraid that I will be betraying this community that I've felt safe in if I lose weight. If my body changes, I won't be fat in the way that I am now. And I think that this is why I've been struggling with these healthier choices.It probably seems crazy to say that I don't want to be anything but fat like I am now, because most of the time, we strive for the exact opposite. We always want to be smaller. I'm afraid to be smaller. I know who I am now. I don't know who I would be if I wasn't fat. I hope that kind of makes sense.
Another aspect of this is something that I really don't want to admit but I'm going to tell you anyway. I don't want to be left out. I am comfortable. I am safe. I am happy. If I'm not as fat as I am anymore, I will occupy a different position in the community, and I will feel left out. It sounds childish and petty, but no matter how old you are, you will always want some level of companionship. It would be akin to walking into a cafeteria in your new high school and you wouldn't know where to sit. That is a trope of almost every teenager movie ever, and that's because it is such a common human feeling. We are social creatures. We thrive on community.
But I've been focusing on the fact that I'll be betraying either myself of my community if I do this thing. I haven't been thinking about how I'm betraying myself now by being afraid. I am a strong and beautiful advocate, and it doesn't matter what amount of flesh there is around all of that. Doubting myself is only doing more damage. The other thing that I haven't really been fairly considering is that I might still be fat. I may not even lose weight just because I'm making healthier choices. I doubt that I would not lose weight, because I know that a lot of my current body weight is a result of unhealthy emotional and physical choices from my past. It hasn't always been there.
But that part shouldn't even be important. If you have been skimming until this point (I wouldn't blame you), this is the part you should read and internalize. Like every fat person does at least once in their life, I have made the mistake of making my weight kore important than my health, but in a different way this time. Instead of striving for a smaller number on the scale over a happy body, I have been sacrificing a happy body by clinging to a number on a scale. I bolded that bit because it was such an epiphany for me when I was word-vomiting that I feel everyone needs to know it. In fact, here it is again in large print so you can't miss it:
Instead of striving for a smaller number on the scale over a happy body, I have been sacrificing a happy body by clinging to a number on a scale.
This is SOOOO important. It helped me realize that making healthy choices to be a healthier role model and to be more successful in my dream career is not a betrayal of any kind at all. My body will probably change, but that doesn't mean I'm betraying my identity. I will always be committed to advocacy and positive change.
To wrap this up, I guess I could say that things ended pretty positively. I hope. I'm going to try to occupy this weird place of being fat and proud and also being okay with any other change. I always say I'm okay with however my body changes, but I think I can confidently say that I'm better equipped to handle it now if it happens.
Thanks to all of you who made it through this post. Sorry if it seemed bleak or confusing or hard to follow or difficult to relate to. We'll do something a little more fun and light-hearted next time!
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