Before we begin our awesome post for the week, we'd like to give a shout out to The Body Is Not An Apology. This wonderful group is now promoting Gribbski's Guide! Check them out: https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Body-Is-Not-an-Apology/201907573156278
From the WW:
This morning, on my way to work, I happened to stop on a radio station because I heard someone say "real man." Any time I hear a discussion of gender, I like to listen in, mostly so I can complain to the BB, but also because it is interesting to hear what other people think about it. Anyway, the radio hosts were discussing the power struggle that most couples face and of course the discussion centered on heterosexual couples. One man insisted that he be treated like a "real man" by a woman, and stated that he didn't understand men who would be in a relationship with a dominating woman. At the end of his spiel, he gratuitously tossed in, "But at the end of the day, we all know that the woman calls the shots." After some more banter with the co-hosts, he said, "The smartest kind of woman is the kind who knows how to make her man think that he's in charge even if he isn't."
So, Radio Guy, here's what we have to say to that:
The smartest kind of PERSON is the kind who recognizes that a relationship is not a power struggle, but a partnership.
In usual Gribbski fashion, we're going to show you how these kinds of gender constructions not only lead to power struggles within a relationship, but also how they feed into oppression outside of a relationship.
Real Man vs. Real Woman: Launching the Power Struggle
I get that some people like to be dominated or whatever, but let’s be honest. Healthy relationships are partnerships, which means each person involved is mutually benefited by the relationship.
The problem with using the qualifier “real” before a social construction like gender is that it creates this power struggle within that gender. However, it is unfair to even call it that, because the person using the qualifier doesn’t even view it as a struggle, and the people interpreting it are also not supposed to view it as a struggle. Instead, it is presented as a binary, a struggle that was over before it even began.
However, because we live in a patriarchal society, this binary within the constructed male gender also takes a toll on everyone else, including, but absolutely not limited to, women. Here’s how that works. When Radio Host said that he wanted to be treated like a real man and didn’t understand other men who liked to be dominated, he set up a binary of Real Man vs. Other Man. Because Real Man implies absolute masculinity, Other Man is then emasculated to the point that he becomes lower than Woman in the relationship.
See how that went? Real Man in relationship with Woman is of course in charge because he is masculine, but Other Man has none of that masculinity to exert, which places him underneath a dominating woman. Now we have a power struggle. Because we are allowed to have two different kinds of relationships, we now have some wiggle room. You can picture it as a sliding scale, if you want. I like to think of it as the wand battle between Voldemort and Harry; Avada Kedavra vs. Expelliarmus. Because there’s wiggle room, there’s going to be some shifting, and with the shifting, there is a power struggle.
“At the end of the day” Allowance Solidifies the Power Structure: Man in Charge
While he opens up this power struggle in the beginning of his statement, he also ends it with the last bit. The “at the end of the day, women are still in charge” allowance solidifies the power structure because it is a “gift” to women. Real Man won the power struggle, and it was apparently a slaughter because he’s feeling generous enough to leave us our dead.
Let me prove to you that this has ended the power struggle with the man in charge: How many women would hear that and NOT say, “That’s right. I am in charge.” Maybe you know more women who would be pissed off about the allowance than those who would find it empowering, and that’s great that you’re surrounded by strong women. However, the more common reality is that women generally find these kinds of allowances empowering, and the very fact that these morsels are viewed that way affirms the Real Man’s victory.
Smartest Kind of Woman Jab: Soothing the Woman
Radio Host takes it one step further by even soothing the woman after her loss with a compliment. Apparently the smartest kind of woman is the one who can be submissive enough to deceive the man into thinking he’s in charge while silently “ruling” the relationship. Not the woman who questions. Not the woman who educates herself. Not the woman who calls him out on his bullshit. The woman who can shut up and “pretend” to not be in charge. That seems like a very unhealthy relationship to me.
So you might wonder why I’ve taken all this time to deconstruct what probably amounted to fifteen seconds of speech. People say this crap all the time and it is not always meant maliciously. Why am I reading into it too much. Why does it matter. Why can’t I just get over it.
Because the very fact that we are told to gloss over these kinds of power struggles is a daily reminder that the power struggle exists. These microaggressions are the fuel of oppression.
From the BB:
The attitudes behind the patriarchal microaggressions mentioned by the WW extend far beyond their original contexts. Since much of one's identity is based upon intersectionality, patriarchial attitudes often invalidate identities beyond the feminine.
In the spirit of this blog, I want to focus for a moment on the fat identity. In a general patriarchal structure governed by the male/female masculine/feminine binary, the male/masculine side is favored and associated with power while the female/feminine side is disempowered and associated with weakness. This basic patriarchal structure governs most binaries, and it all stems from a socially constructed idea of what it means to be male and female, which are at their core biological terms. (Oh, and of course in this power structure there's no mention of genders or sexes that aren't male/female).
Remember when the WW said patriarchy is bad for everyone? Here's why. A "real" man isn't just "real" because he secretly or not so secretly dominates a woman, but also because he fits other gender stereotypes that are based upon, you guessed it, patriarchy.
If you are a fat man, for example, then some of your power is lost. You're still better than a woman, of course, but a fit man is definitely more masculine, more powerful, and more valuable than you are. (That last statement is a tongue-in-cheek, bitter reality).
And fat women? Don't expect people to automatically associate your gender (or what they assume is your gender) or your body type with power, success, or value. The intersections of your identity are not in favor of elevating your social currency.
As the WW said, relationships based on power AREN'T healthy, but at the same time individuals that appear to have power are who we're taught to respect. We associate power with success and value, and this isn't a healthy way of thinking. We damn people who seem to be powerless as also being unsuccessful or worthless.
The solution here is to start deconstructing our false associations with success and value by getting to the base of the problem: the way we speak and the language that influences us everyday.
If we dismiss even the smallest examples of patriarchy, stereotyping, or discrimination then we do a disservice to the movement to end oppression, whether that oppression be of identity, belief system, lifestyle, etc.
One thing that both the BB and the WW have learned as fat feminists and allies to other oppressed groups is that we have to stop laughing at jokes that are discriminatory and consuming pop culture that is senselessly derogatory. Even when laws change or people change, the words, images, music, and conversations that we are confronted with everyday do not. Oppressive socially constructed ideas are some of the most difficult to deconstruct, and thus also some of the most important.
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