Fat Shaming Friday

Fat Shaming occurs when fat people are made to feel inadequate, ashamed, less than, or othered because of their weight. The following photo is a prime example: 

From the BB:

Today I would like to kick off the first ever Fat Shaming Friday with one of my most difficult fat shaming experiences.

Now, I’m going to preface this by saying that I am not a doctor, but that my actual doctor, who I see on a regular basis for issues completely unrelated to my weight, annually takes my bloodwork because of family history and pronounces me in perfect health each time. In addition, during other visits my blood pressure is perfect, and I suffer from no weight-related health problems. (A deeper discussion of fatness and its correlation to health may be discussed in a later Fat Myth Monday post!)

So. You can see why I was rather perplexed when I visited my Gynecologist, for my once a year visit, and she decided to comment on my weight. 

Now, I know that many doctors point out the fact that the pill can cause a higher risk for stroke, especially in overweight women. However, I have used the birth control pill for years with no side effects or health effects, and as I said before the doctor that actually sees me frequently for my general health has pronounced me—shocker—perfectly healthy!

My Gynecologist went way beyond the correlation between stroke risk, fatness, and the pill. She said things to me that a doctor should never say to a patient, and being wiser from the experience now, I know that she was participating in fat shaming.

So, let’s set the scene. I walk into the Gynecologist’s office and sign in. I wait to be called back. The nurse who takes my weight and blood pressure seems surprised by the number on the scale, though I am not. Then, she pulls out the small blood pressure cuff. (You know, they have one for a typical arm and a fat arm…she pulls out the small one. Let’s be honest here!) I comment on the small cuff and she tells me that it will be fine. She takes my blood pressure and it is a little, yes, A LITTLE, high. It’s never high. She documents it and takes me to wait for the Gyno.

As I’m uncomfortably sitting in the room waiting for her to arrive, my nervousness grows. I had been dreading the appointment all week because she has made other subtle, snide comments about my weight before, and threatened to take me off of the pill—despite glowing health reviews from my General Practitioner.

She walks in and comments on my blood pressure right away. As she holds the chart she says, “your blood pressure was high today, any problems with the pill?” I tell her that the nurse used the small cuff—that it hurts my arm and cuts off the circulation before it is even tightened. I don’t mention my anxiety and dread at awaiting this appointment. I’m sure that was a factor, too. Instead, I tell her about my excellent blood pressure history and assure her that this must be a fluke.

Even so, she still wants me to come in every three months to monitor my blood pressure. Sure. Fine. That’s OK with me. I guess you’ve got to be sure and do your job. Can I go now?

And then she takes her glasses off of her long, skinny face, leans against the counter with one bony hip, and sighs as she stares down at me in the chair. “Okay, level with me, do you even want to lose weight?”

I don’t know what to say. Seven months ago, when this happened, I didn’t have the guts to tell her that I love my body, that my health is good and that is what I care about, or that I have a partner and people who love me. She continues after my silence:

“You know, my mother was obese. She died at 350 pounds. She ate to spite everyone…you can’t use food as a way to get revenge on others. It only hurts you.”

I was astonished—she and I had not really discussed the WHY behind my fat, like family history, genetics, slow metabolism, etc…And now she was making assumptions about me being an emotional eater?

“Something you can try is taking walks—and I don’t mean around the grocery store.”

                                                                                                

That is the statement that floored me—and still floors me!

I wanted to shout JUST LOOK AT MY VAGINA AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

Sadly, I did not shout this. I sat there and took it, because on some level I felt I deserved it. On some level, despite the fact that she was not my General Practitioner well-versed in my bloodwork and health, I accepted that she had the credibility to say this to me. I deserved to be chided for my weight. I was fat. I was in the wrong.

This is a perfect example of fat shaming, not only because of how it made me feel, but because of the wording of her statements. She made assumptions about the why behind my weight. She made assumptions about whether or not I like to exercise. The only question she even asked me was did I want to lose weight, and she asked it so condescendingly that I knew that she thought she knew the answer without my saying anything.

This is why this is wrong: As a doctor, in a position of power and confidentiality over the patient, she made unfair and frankly rude assumptions about me and communicated them in a rude way. She did not communicate the correlations between weight and the pill in a professional manner. She didn’t fax my GP for my blood pressure and bloodwork history.

Seven months later, I can tell you that I go to the same office but I don’t see the same Gynecologist. I stood up for myself and called the office, telling them that if I was going to remain their patient, I would need to see a different Gyno. I wish I could tell you that I told her off, that I let her know how hurtful her fat shaming is…but I haven’t.

But I have come to appreciate myself more, and I have come to know that in NO WAY do I deserve what she said to me. AT ALL.

If I could do it over again? I would stand up for myself right then and there—and that is the advice I would give to anyone dealing with fat shaming. Confront the issue head on, and assert the fact that you deserve more.

                                                                                                 -The BB

From the WW:

I had a lot of trouble choosing my topic for today because sadly, there are so many choices.  We see fat shaming everywhere, including advertisements like the one shared above (for further discussion on that advertisement, please like us on facebook and participate in the conversation; also, check back on Monday for a related post).  Fortunately, I’ve never had an experience similar to the BB where a doctor was rude to me about my weight, but I know it happens.  Instead, I’ve experienced the type of pity-shaming that happens when a nurse doesn’t want to make you feel bad about yourself by using the big cuff instead of the small one.  I’m with the BB here.  Just use the correct one!  By trying to spare me, you’re sending me the message that there’s something wrong with me.  Here’s another one that recently happened to me:

When I went in to get my cast on, they had to weigh me.  I told her what my normal weight is so she didn’t have to do the whole “I’m going to guess really low and then act surprised when you’re actually like 100 pounds over that and then compliment you on how you carry your weight like you had some choice in the matter” thing.  She still set it to fifty pounds less, and when she realized that I was right, she patted me on the shoulder and said she’d take five pounds off for my shoes.  Walmart moccasins do not weigh anywhere close to five pounds.  When I tried explaining that I’m not sensitive about what the scale says, she patted me on the shoulder again and said, “I understand, honey.”  At that point, I gave up.  Sadly, beauty and confidence at any size is generally a foreign concept for a lot of people.

This type of pity-shaming brings me to my main focus.  I took this example from an excellent piece in Cosmopolitan by Laura Beck entitled, “11 Things You Should Never Say to a Fat Girl.”  For the full piece, either click here: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/fat-girl or scroll to the bottom of our page and check it out in our More Body Empowerment links section.  Here’s number six from Beck’s list:

6. Ugh, I'm so fat. 

Don't talk about being fat around a fat person when you are not fat. It's obvious you're using the term to address your body negatively and that sucks for two reasons: a. Don't talk shit about your own body, the outside world does that enough; and b. If you think you're fat and you're roughly half my size, what do you think about me? That I'm Obesetron McFattenstein? Don't answer that.

Besides being funny, Beck hits this problem almost head-on.  I used to HATE this about being around other girls in high school, especially girls who had “nice” bodies.  When I’d see someone grab their excess belly skin and berate themselves for being able to make it look like a mouth talking, it made me feel really disgusting because mine was real fat and therefore not pliable enough to impersonate Angelina Jolie.

It seems that this kind of self-hate is often projected by non-fatties when in the company of a fatty as a sort of olive-branch.  Here’s the logic I am imagining:

Jolie Belly: You’re fat, so you must feel bad about yourself.  Let me also show you that I hate myself too so you don’t feel bad.

That, or:

Jolie Belly: You’re fat, so you’ll understand my obsession with minor flaws on my own body.  Surely you pick yourself apart, too.

Either way, Jolie Belly is assuming that Fat Girl hates her body, and is showing pity by doing the same.  Now, this isn’t always true.  Unfortunately, we live in a world where a lot of people of different sizes hate their bodies.  I could be completely off-base.  But the fact that I (and I’m not alone in feeling this way) think this is even a possibility shows that we live in a fat-shaming society.  I’m working on it, but sometimes I still look at other people and immediately assume they’re passing judgment on me because of my body size.  This makes “coming out” as a member of the Fat and Proud club especially difficult, but we’ll talk more about that process in another post.

Check back tomorrow for the BB’s solo Student Saturday post!