Self-Care or Self-Conscious? A Necessary Conversation on Self-Censorship in Activism

Activists know the importance of self-care, but what happens when self care takes a damaging turn? When we talk about activism, any kind of activism, we warn against burn out and promote self-care, both of which are important messages. It is unrealistic to think that activists can successfully muster the empathy, emotional depth, and actionable steps required by their particular brand of activism without replenishing their own emotional stores and valuing themselves. However, as activists we want to share what happens on the opposite side of the spectrum – when self-care becomes self-censorship.

 Sometimes self-care gets too comfortable – so much, in fact, that we stop pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zones. We stop pushing ourselves to do what is difficult and eventually rewarding, and instead do what is easy and instantly gratifying. It’s like being curled up in a big blanket, in your comfiest clothes, with your favorite hot drink. Always at the right temperature, perfect position. You are content to stay that way forever. But when self-care comes to a natural end, you need to climb out of your blanket burrito and face the world again.  Not doing so results in a self-care binge, which sounds awesome, but it isn't. Sort of like spending an entire weekend marathoning Netflix.  You think it is great and sometimes it is needed, but you get so comfortable staying in that you never want to go out into the real world and do things like grocery shopping. (You know, all that adulting junk).

On occasion, staying in self-care mode becomes the default.  You get busy with work or school and self-care becomes the comfortable must-have lifestyle for when you're at home. Who wants to come home from work and force themselves to be an activist? That can be very draining. And so you carry on, stuck in self-care mode without really realizing the toll it is taking on your self-worth, because you tell yourself that you don't need to be an activist with everything else going on.

So one night of zoning-out on the couch becomes two or three, until you convince yourself that you need just a few more hours, days, or weeks of time to yourself. Eventually that comfy blanket cocoon isn’t even a treat or a necessary part of your self-care ritual; it’s a way to justify ignoring your causes and passions.

This self-care rut we’re describing isn’t just about spending too much time on the couch; it’s also about the way that we start to let certain things go, become passive in times that require action, and retreat into eventual self-doubt. It’s about keeping yourself from your passions for so long under the guise of self-care that you eventually stop standing up for others and even yourself.

If you couldn't tell, this is what happened to us. We have both been filling our lives with work and family and other things, to the point where fat-activism is at the bottom of the list. Self-censoring showed itself for the WW last week.

I was perusing my Facebook news feed (which has become filled with a new group of people in the last year - new job means new Facebook friends!) when a "let's-make-fun-of-fatties" post climbed its way to the top of my screen.  This has happened before, but for some reason, this one really did it for me.  I think it is because you could tell that the subject of the post was so self-confident in her fat body and putting it out there for everyone to see, and here were people I know making it into a joke.  It was like a personal attack on me, because I am self-confident in my fat body.  I could see a lot of similarities between myself and that woman.  And it made me feel disgusting, like a big oozing blob.  And then my confidence came in and kicked blob's ass and I became very angry.  Angry because how dare the person share this, knowing I am fat?  (I realize it was not with me specifically in mind, but logic was not present in my mind at this point).  So I started working up a comment in my mind, thinking about how I was really going to show them and make them realize what they made me feel.  But then I remembered that it wasn't even a share with me (I just saw it because a friend had been tagged in it), so I decided to do my own status about the hypocrisy of liking and respecting me, but making fun of others for looking like me.  And then I did something that made me even angrier: I deleted every carefully-thought out phrase, every angry word, and allowed self-censoring to take over.

I immediately closed my laptop and angry-cleaned for about ten minutes before texting the BB.  I was so angry with the post and with myself, but I realized that perhaps my self-care had gone on too long.  I had grown comfortable in my figurative blanket burrito.  Even when I don't allow self-care to grow over my activism, I still don't always feel safe posting about my passion for body-positivity online for fear of the response of others.

That implied or overtly manifested gaze, the response of others, is exactly what enables an unhealthy amount of self-care. Self-censoring started for me (BB here!) when I began going to the gym. This is a much-talked-about topic within the fat community, from the debate and research on Health at Every size to the tenuous relationship between exercise, eating habits, health, and self-esteem that play into body politics. I want to get back to a place where blogging, writing, and activism feel like a treat; where it isn’t stressful to stand up for what I believe in, but rather a privilege, a passion, and an impetus. The only way to do this is to move beyond that silence that began with my gym membership.

My partner and I decided to start going to the gym because we both wanted to feel better. We work office jobs so extensive physical activity does not happen on most days. However, I would be lying to myself if I didn’t say that there were other reasons that I wanted to go to the gym. My wedding photos were a deciding factor as well. We had a simple, intimate ceremony and celebration with photos taken by family members. When the time came to get the pictures back and look over them, both my partner and I were upset about how we looked. At that moment I should have re-evaluated my perspective. This was a beautiful day that celebrated us – I should be able to look back at the memories positively. Instead, I let myself be critical and gave in to how traditional wedding photos should look, resulting in this unhealthy view becoming part of my rollercoaster relationship with the gym.

I tried to justify to myself that feeling better was the only reason I wanted to start working out again, but it really wasn’t. I couldn’t get this plan of redemption out of my head. Look better than wedding photo = justify my existence and previous lapse of sanity that led to me being fat. Instead of reaching out to someone about my feelings or talking myself out of it, I stayed silent. I stopped writing. I ceased standing up for myself and others when I witnessed body shaming, and instead told myself that the only road to recovery was self-care.

That self-care (shutting out others under the guise of taking me time) became extremely destructive for me. I felt guilt over being a bad activist, but at the same time felt I couldn’t go back to my writing efforts because I would be hypocritical. What kind of bopo activist hates her own body?  These feelings were reinforced when others found out I was going to the gym and praised my efforts. I felt a sense of happiness at being recognized for my effort (attagirl, fattie!) but at the same time felt hurt that the same people commenting on my time at the gym had never once said anything positive about my blogging or activism. I also felt outrage that I was receiving praise for something that wasn’t anyone’s business, yet I was a hypocrite for putting it out there for people to comment in the first place. This one event became the catalyst for months of silence.    

In typical Gribbski fashion, we want to give you some actionable steps to go along with the empathetic oohs and ahhs and awesome sense of validation you’ve been feeling while reading this. (That’s right, we’re awesome! And so are you!)

1. Recognize when self-care becomes damaging: Look for signs of this like those we have described. If you feel yourself slipping away from your passions or notice that your retreat into Netflix and blanket land starts happening more than usual, try to be pro-active and remind yourself of the reasons why you’re a bad ass activist.

2. You CAN repair your self-worth: Reach out to a friend, do some credible internet research, or do a stream of consciousness writing exercise where you get all your feelings out. Acknowledge your negative feelings, but make sure that you look for resources to rekindle your passion. Self-affirmations are really effective as well. You and your message are worth it!

3. Use self-care missteps to your advantage: Knowing the warning signs of burn out is just as important as knowing the warning signs of destructive self-care. The journey to body positivity, and the journey of any activist, really, is an imperfect one. Never feel ashamed of these missteps, but instead learn from them and unapologetically share how the experiences have influenced your journey. You never know how much your words may help another person. Follow your voice instead of the silence.