Taggin' Hash Tuesday: #baddayturnaround

From the BB:

I’d like to share a #baddayturnaround story for today’s Taggin’ Hash Tuesday!

Yesterday I was exploring my new city with my partner, and we decided to take a walk around the local mall to see what types of shops were inside. We were having a great time looking at funny t-shirts, DVDs, and even a strange animal called a sugar bear that they happened to have at the mall for some reason, when I encountered some serious fat shaming.

As we made our second lap around three young girls sitting in massage chairs in the center of the mall, I saw them staring at me. I didn’t think anything of it; people stare at me all the time. But then, I heard the following comments:

 

“…weird shape..”

“…hehe…”

“…oh my god…ew…”

I tried to ignore these comments, but I’m sure my face was very red. I immediately knew that they were talking about me. I had dressed in what I thought was a cute outfit—some tights and a dress with a cardigan. I had felt confident as I looked in the mirror that morning. Now some strangers were criticizing my shape?

It got worse.

As we passed where the girls were sitting I distinctly heard the mention of “back fat” with giggles. I walked a little faster and was very relieved to turn the corner. I could still hear them laughing, though, and I just wanted to get out of that mall.

I walked faster towards the exit and told my partner what had just happened. He was really concerned—he hadn’t even heard them say that.

Before I tell you how my bad day turned around, I want to discuss a few important points.

This is a perfect anecdote with which to discuss privilege. Even though I love my body I know that each time I go to a public place I will most likely be judged for it. I am hyper aware of the sidelong looks, the concealed giggles, and the validation that others feel when they see someone bigger than themselves. If you’ve never had to think about this stuff when you go somewhere—and I mean anywhere, from a restaurant to a shoe store—then you most likely have thin privilege (or just not-fat body privilege).

I don’t write this to make anyone who does have body privilege feel bad. As we’ve mentioned in previous blog entries, people sometimes reverse fat shaming by making jabs at skinny people. This is obviously not the right thing to do, either. Still, in the fat-thin binary fat is always the LEAST favored side. But I’m not skinny, so I’m not comfortable writing about that experience.

What I am comfortable writing about is the experience of being judged for being fat. I point out the body privilege at work here because if you have a body that isn’t constantly judged by others then you can work to help those who don’t have the same privilege. Even if you don’t mean to, try to be aware of when you stare at a fat person too long in a public place, when you criticize your body in front of fat women in stores, and especially stop yourself from publicly insulting someone about their weight. People watching doesn’t have to be people judging.

I’d like to expand on that last point. Even though I am in a great place on my path to body empowerment, I am not immune to what others think of me. I would like to be, but I am not. Having a stranger insult your appearance is really damaging. (Obviously it hurts when a loved one does this, but hopefully you would be comfortable enough with that person to tell them that it hurts you). With a stranger, people may not feel confident enough to stand up to them. I myself did not feel brave enough to stand up to those girls in the mall.

I think what was most hurtful about being insulted from a stranger was that the first impression I made on someone was negative. Instead of seeing my physical body and thinking “oh that’s a nice dress” or “oh she has cute glasses” or even “she looks interesting…maybe I should go talk to her” (okay, that last one’s a stretch) the first thing a stranger thought about me was that I had a weird shape and back fat, and that those facts were hilarious.

I know that physical appearance is typically what people judge because it’s the first thing we see. I also know that because they chose to insult my appearance rather than find something nice about it or even keep their opinions to themselves that they are the ones at fault, not me. These facts, however, do not make it any less hurtful that the first impression I made on someone was that I was a big, fat, hilarious joke. 

As I said before, I would love to have gone back and stood up to those girls, but I didn’t. I didn’t want them to make fun of me even more, and I didn’t want them to pity me. I wasn’t sure if they would understand if I started talking about fat activism or body politics…I didn’t know if they were well-versed in those concepts and still didn’t agree with them. I hope to be at a point in my journey to body acceptance where none of these things matter and I can walk up to a stranger and tell them why they are being cruel, intolerant, rude, and ignorant…but I’m just not there yet.

After this happened I was obviously very upset. I felt like my whole day was ruined and I felt bad about myself. I was very self-conscious for the rest of the day and I didn’t even want to keep my plans to eat out at a public restaurant. (Although in the end I did eat at the restaurant). Then I got mad. I was angry at myself for letting it get to me so much. I started to doubt whether or not I really am as body positive as I claim to be. If I loved myself, why did I feel so bad?

So, here’s the good part: My #baddayturnaround

I talked about a lot of the points above with my partner, who happens to love video games, comics, and orchestral video game soundtracks. (Don’t worry, that’s relevant later). He told me the following:

“It’s okay to be hurt. You should be hurt because they did something cruel and wrong, and you didn’t deserve it. You love your fat body, and so do I, including your back fat and unique shape. Still, no matter how much you accept it and love it, if someone makes your body into an insult, it’s going to hurt, because they meant it in a mean way. It doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself, it just means that you know when you’re being insulted. Even though I’m a self-proclaimed nerd, if someone called me that in an aggressive and mean way, I would feel bad even while still being secure in my nerdiness. No matter what, it just sucks when someone is mean to you, especially a stranger and for no reason. But no matter why those girls insulted you, you just have to focus on the fact that what they believe to be negative qualities are actually positive ones. You prove that everyday with your blog and new self-confidence.”

 This is a simple solution, but it’s really powerful. My bad day turned around when 1) I received love and reassurance from my partner, 2) I realized that words hurt even though I love myself, because I am still an emotional human being and 3) my moment of self-doubt was just a moment, because I really do love myself and the body positive work I am doing.

In addition, this story gives me the opportunity to blog about my experiences and to hopefully help someone else who has faced a similar crisis. It also allows me to also to show people why laughing at a stranger or judging their appearance is never innocent fun, but actually very hurtful. It gives me the chance to talk about checking body privilege and raising body positive awareness. 

A simple rule to follow: Are your words helpful or harmful? Think before you speak. It could make a huge difference in someone's life.