Throwback Thursday: What We Thought We Knew About Eating Disorders

Greetings readers! In case you were not aware, this week up until March 1^st is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Here’s a link to the NEDA website, which has some extremely helpful links to information about eating disorders:

http://nedawareness.org/

While exploring the website I found some awesome links; They have information about what eating disorders are, how to help someone with an eating disorder, and they even have webinars and other types of support and information for families of individuals with eating disorders. It’s a great site!

We may be Gribbski’s Guide to the FAT galaxy, but as you know if you’ve been reading us for awhile, we are really a guide to body love in general, with a main focus on what it’s like to be fat in a fat shaming society. For these reasons, it’s really important for us to promote NEDA Week and their website in general. Eating disorders sometimes stem from a place of body hate rather than body love, and loving yourself is a step towards preventing an eating disorder.

We’ve had some requests from readers to discuss how to talk to young children about body love. I definitely want to cover that in full in a separate post, but I think it also relates to today’s post, NEDA’s mission, and the BB’s and WW’s interest in helping teens and young adults. If body love conversations started with younger children, could we prevent some of the trials that teens and young adults go through with their bodies? Maybe. But if you already know someone with an eating disorder, especially the teen and young adult population that suffers from it, NEDA’s website can help you help them.

Awareness is such a huge component of prevention, treatment, and acceptance that is often overlooked when it comes to many issues, eating disorders included. Additionally, those suffering from eating disorders and those who love them are sometimes the least informed on symptoms, treatment, causes, prevention, and more. 

This is what the BB thought she knew about eating disorders as a teen:

The amount of disinformation that I had about eating disorders when I was a teenager was shocking when I look back now. Although I myself did not have an eating disorder, I found myself trying to mimic the behaviors of close friends who did have them because I used to think that “eating disorder” was just a harsh label for someone who had a lot of self-control, strength, and discipline. This is obviously an extremely unhealthy way of thinking, but it makes me question how many other young adults have skewed ideas of eating disorders.

Of course I know now that the need to control oneself and body are key symptoms of eating disorders, but back then it was hard for me to argue with people I loved about eating disorders because I didn’t know how to explain that self-discipline was a bad thing. I saw a lot of my friends without eating disorders trying to display their self-discipline as well. They may not have had an eating disorder, but they threw up after eating at a buffet one time. They may not have had an eating disorder, but they bragged about how little they ate, how not-hungry they were, or they skipped lunch everyday. Maybe they bought a lot of food at lunch but only ate half or a quarter of it. Maybe they told their mom that they ate so that they wouldn't have to eat supper that night and they could brag to their friends. Maybe they even ate as much as they could at home so they could skip meals at school to make others think that they were in control of their appetites. Isolated behaviors such as this, that were not habitual or severe, were commonplace among the teens that I knew.  

So many teens take part in these types of unhealthy body shaming behaviors that aren’t really eating disorders. They aren’t as severe, consistent, or life-altering, but are at the same time detrimental. Many teens consider it a point of pride when they skip a meal, eat very little, or drop several clothing sizes. They see fat teens as people without self-control or self respect, and justify their behavior by the results: thinness. This kind of hateful, power hungry relationship over food and the body is not conducive to positive body image.

When I was a teen I tried to help friends with eating disorders because I knew that they were harmful, but as I said before that was difficult when I myself would shame my own body and participate in odd food rituals and habits here and there. When I was growing up thinness was the ultimate goal in the community of other teens I was surrounded with, and I struggled with criticizing the way that others became thin when I myself was fat.

Short note from the WW: I also had similar ideas about eating disorders, but what I didn't realize until much later is that I had one of my own.  I would often binge-eat after school because I either didn't eat while I was there or I was so nervous about eating that I didn't enjoy it.  Sneaking that food at home was an unhealthy way for me to enjoy eating.  Thankfully, this is something I've learned to deal with.  Not a lot of teens have the strong support system that I did, and some will do a lot of damage to their bodies before getting help.  

The goal of sharing this throwback with you, readers, is to show that Awareness is so powerful. If I had known more back then about eating disorders and their precursors, maybe I could have recognized more powerfully how detrimental body shaming and unhealthy food relationships were. If I had been able to articulate these things to myself, maybe I could have helped my friends more. Looking for signs of eating disorders is important, and treating eating disorders is important, but what about an awareness of unhealthy food habits BEFORE an eating disorder escalates or occurs? How about an awareness of the preventative powers of body love?

This is an excellent segue into a future post, from that reader suggestion that I mentioned earlier, about starting body love conversations EARLY. If the main age groups affected by eating disorders are teens and young adults, then it is very obvious that body love conversations need to take place much sooner than these important years. Additionally, some even develop eating disorders in childhood and more rarely in adulthood. I think it is vitally important to start raising awareness and talking about self love at a very young age, and myself and the WW look forward to sharing some tips about that in a soon-to-come post.

Fat Myth Monday: Fat People Are Only Valuable as Comic Relief

From the BB:

As the title states, this entry will examine the role of fat characters in popular media and entertainment. While there are some exceptions to the following analysis, (one of which I will even talk about!) my goal is to show how we live in a fat shaming culture that teaches fat people that they can demonstrate their value by A) Being Funny/Comic Relief (Often in a self-deprecating way) or B) ShuttingTheHellUpAndQuietlyRetreatingOutOfTheSpotlight. THIS IS A MYTH. Fat people have so much more to offer than the limited points of view that their characters are given in popular television, ads, and film. 

So, what’s the problem with a funny fat character in a show? A LOT. Do not let anyone tell you that you are being overly sensitive or too critical if a fat character makes you feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, or even angry. In fact, you should feel something when you see the way that fat people are portrayed, whether you are personally fat are know someone who is. Here’s why:

When we are constantly bombarded with comic relief fat characters as the ONLY representation of fat people in the media, it certainly influences a fat person’s sense of self-worth in addition to the way that fat people are seen by non-fat people. That is, fat people are taught to see themselves through a lens of “If I’m funny, people will like me more. I’m fat, but I can compensate with humor” while non-fat people are taught to think “Oh my god that fat person is funny! I bet ALL fat people are funny…” Even if the thought process isn’t EXACTLY like this, it still stands to reason that based on how we see fat characters, we as a culture perceive ourselves differently and/or have certain expectations of fat people based on an archetype that we are force-fed daily. (You could say this about the way women of color, members of the LGBTQ community, and other minority groups are represented in popular media as well).

Besides the fat and not-fat fat gaze (say that five times fast!) the comic relief fat trope has some other major issues. The comic relief character isn’t just portrayed as fat and funny, but as funny because of negative qualities attributed to being fat. For example, fat characters that are supposed to be comic relief who eat voraciously, fart, burp, breathe heavily, walk slowly, or are otherwise hindered by their weight, are laughed at as a spectacle. We as the audience aren’t laughing with them—we’re laughing at them because they are unhygienic, ill-mannered, and lazy due to their weight. Somehow the fact that they are fat makes it okay to laugh at health problems and we begin to accept that fat people are a spectacle to be jeered at, and to assume that all of their problems stem from weight issues.

Let’s take this to the next level—and watch some YouTube clips with examples very soon—and make the statement that I didn’t make above: Not only are fat comic relief characters portrayed in ways that communicate fat equals bad, but they are also portrayed as worthless, unintelligent, non-central characters that are only there to offer a laugh, bolster a main (skinny and attractive) character’s persona, or provide fat fodder as an extra that is killed off, the scapegoat, or the helpmate that saves the day but still doesn’t receive credit.  

Before we look at some examples, know that there are always exceptions to an argument such as this. The idea is to expose that this happens VERY OFTEN and TOO OFTEN and it is detrimental to a fat person’s sense of self as well as others’ view of them. To sum up my argument so far:

Popular media and entertainment reinforces the idea that fat people are only valuable if they are funny, and even if they are funny, they are still dumb, worthless, non-central, or otherwise unimportant as characters. 

For the first example, let’s talk Family Guy. This is a very popular show, and it often spouts misogyny, racism, homophobia and stereotyping under the guise (some would argue this) of satire. I’m not here to dissect every joke that probably went to far on this show, although there are many, but rather I want to focus on Peter Griffin as a fat character. Let’s take a peek at Peter in case you aren’t familiar with him: 

Peter Griffin NAAFP

In this video Peter addresses a crowd of fat men that he has brought together for the NAAFP, the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People. Peter says that he wants them to discuss changes that they wish to see in the community as “fat people with pride.” However, the meeting cannot get underway because: 

1) The fat, male members are very slow to sit down. It takes them forever to walk to their chairs because they are fat. FAT PEOPLE ARE LAZY. 

2) Too much burping and farting interrupts Peter’s speech as he tries to call the meeting to order. FAT PEOPLE HAVE NO MANNERS. BLAME SMELLS ON THEM.

3) The fat men want to snack, so they rustle their chip bags and open cans of soda, again interrupting Peter. FAT PEOPLE HAVE TO EAT CONSTANTLY, THEY CAN’T HELP IT.

4) All of the men have their eyes half shut and a lot of them are breathing heavily. FAT PEOPLE ARE IN POOR PHYSICAL CONDITION.

5) Towards the end of the clip, one fat guy breaks his chair and doesn’t even get up afterwards. LAUGH AT THIS FATASS BECAUSE HE WAS SO FAT THAT HE BROKE A CHAIR. 

I have capitalized above all of the assumptions that this clip makes about fat people. These characters are meant to be laughed at, and they give the main character, Peter, a chance to think “Well I’m fat but I’m not this kind of fat.” This isn’t healthy or positive, either.

Something interesting about Family Guy is that Peter IS central to the show, something very rare for a fat character. (Arguably, however, Peter’s family as a whole is the main focus of the show). Despite his prominent role in the cartoon, Peter exemplifies nothing positive about being fat. He is portrayed as lazy and dumb, his wife and dog often have to correct his behavior, and his infant son is more intelligent than he is. His oldest son, Chris, is also portrayed as extremely unintelligent. The key point of this analysis is not to say that there aren't fat people with negative qualities, but rather to point out that Peter's negative qualities are often highlighted BECAUSE he is fat. (He's not funny and fat...he's funny BECAUSE he's fat. He doesn't fart and burp all the time and happen to be fat, he does this BECAUSE he is fat). While Peter does have redeemable qualities in some episodes, overall he reinforces a negative view of fat people as worthless and lazy. He does his share of eating in excess and farting, just like a fat comic relief character always does.  

While Peter represents an arguably central male that is portrayed as worthless, lazy, and unproductive, Melissa McCarthy’s character in the film Bridesmaids is a de-centralized character  who has some positive qualities that are masked by her role as comic relief. Megan, as she is called in the film, is the sister-in-law-to-be of the bride. Even though she does have her own storyline to an extent, in which she tries to gain the interest of an air marshal that she is attracted to, she ultimately plays the helpmate to the main characters and serves as the token funny fat woman.

To get an idea of how Megan is portrayed as a character, take a look at the following clip:

Bridesmaids Trailer

In this scene the bridesmaids are picking out dresses with the bride-to-be. Right away FAT MEGAN burps and is shunned by the rest of the VERY SKINNY (this movie really doesn’t have many average sized women, does it?) ladies. Megan apologizes and jokes “I’m not even confident of which end that came out of,” demonstrating her value as a funny fat character. In this clip and throughout the entire movie, Megan is portrayed as the least feminine character “tagging along” with the normalized women as they prepare for the wedding. Even when it is time to try on dresses, Megan’s is the most modest and least revealing. Her fat body is totally covered from the chest down, and her legs are not visible. She even wears a matching shrug across her arms and shoulders while the other women wear shorter, more revealing dresses that showcase their slender legs and shoulders. When ALL of the women run to the bathroom with food poisoning, the owners of the store and the other bridesmaids are STILL most disgusted with Megan, who has to make a bowel movement in the sink. Despite the fact that they are all getting sick in expensive dresses, Megan is still used as the main scapegoat for comic relief as the others criticize her for going in the sink even thought she didn’t really have another option. 

(Sidenote: I did not choose Fat Amy or her brother for this analysis because I wanted to show how a really likable character like Megan is reduced to nothing but comic relief, but Fat Amy and her brother do not represent much positivity about fatness, either! They are simply silly, unlikable fat characters each with a dry sense of humor.)

Now, I laughed the first time I saw this movie. Melissa McCarthy is damn funny, and I really enjoy her in a lot of t.v. However, when looking more closely at this film I can no longer laugh at her. Even though she IS funny, she is still being made fun of as the token fat woman who isn’t as feminine, valuable, or sexually attractive as the other characters. 

At the end of the film Megan helps one of the bridesmaids redeem herself in the eyes of the bride, helping them to restore their bestfriendship. Although Megan is extremely thoughtful and perceptive in this scene, she still has to make jokes and include quirky, awkward personal anecdotes to make her point—as with any comic relief fat character. Even though she does end up “saving the day,” she still remains out of the spotlight. Once she has reunited two best friends, she steps aside for their reunion and for the wedding to take place. Thus, she is hilarious when she needs to be, helpful when she needs to be, and quiet when she needs to be. This would be fine, EXCEPT for the fact that she is also shown as a farting, fat, unfeminine, oddball character that is only valuable when she’s helping the “more attractive” characters. 

With both of these examples I hope to have shown how fat people are typically portrayed as valuable only if they are funny, how that humor is often self deprecating, and how centralized fat characters are negatively portrayed and decentralized fat characters are downplayed for their good deeds and applauded for being raunchy or funny.

Need some other quick examples to convince you? 

1) The fat guy in the awful Three Musketeers movie. When he is first introduced he literally references his own farts, eats a ton of food, and is dismissed by the other, in-shape characters as a bumbling idiot. 

2) Sam from Game of Thrones. Although he has had heroic moments, he is still viewed as weak and less-than by the other men because he is fat. He has also had his share of scenes in which he is eating rather than attending to matters at hand. 

3) Kevin from The Office (U.S. Version). I love The Office, but Kevin is a fat, sweaty, lazy guy who is always talking about food. He is portrayed as dumb and not much else.

4) The Fat Girl in Glee. When she is serenaded with the song Fat Bottom Girls she stands up for herself, but other than this she is really just an unlikable character that isn’t portrayed in a redeeming way. The audience isn’t meant to sympathize with her, and her limited role on the show details her experiences as a fat girl rather than a fat girl and a human being. She's the token fat chick amongst many other tokens on this show. 

5) Chunk from the Goonies—The Truffle Shuffle is NOT a testament to the beauty of the fat body. It’s a mockery of it.

This list goes on and on.   

Now, I would like to show a clip from a T.V. show that I believe portrays fat people in an excellent way—and it might surprise you that I think so! The following is a tribute to Tony Soprano’s love of food:

Tony Soprano Loves Food

I chose this compilation for an important reason that I will get to in a moment. I need to preface this by saying that The Sopranos is not free from misogyny, stereotypes, and racism; However, it doesn’t try to hide these things under the guise of satire, but rather shows how rampant they are in the mafia culture explored within the show. Tony Soprano is a great fat character because he is REAL. Wait, what?!?

That’s right. Not every fat character has to ride in on a horse and save the day and also be the best person ever with no negative qualities. That’s not realistic. (Although if there were some fat characters like that it would be cool!) In real life some fat people are assholes, and some are super nice.

In addition, a fat character shouldn’t be an irredeemable idiot like Peter Griffin who bumbles around like a court jester for the audience’s enjoyment or a token character that provides only a very limited or even incorrect point of view about what it is like to be fat. 

This is a very specific distinction, and I want to be perfectly clear about it.

Tony Soprano is a successful fat character because he is IN THE SPOTLIGHT WITHOUT BEING COMIC RELIEF. He is a centralized character that has bad qualities UNRELATED TO HIS FAT. He’s a misogynist, he makes fun of other fat people, and he’s a freaking gangster. BUT. None of these bad qualities are attributed to his weight. He’s an anti-hero that the audience is made to admire and sympathize with. His character has the power of AND.

He’s fat AND he loves food AND he’s powerful AND he’s respected AND he’s a badass AND he’s a slightly sociopathic anti-hero ultimate criminal AND he’s a father AND AND AND….

By being unafraid to centralize a fat character, as well as unafraid to make that character not 100% likable, this show is extremely successful in showing that fat people ARE REAL PEOPLE AND THEY MAY BE FAT BUT THAT DOES NOT INFLUENCE EVERY FACET OF THEIR PERSONALITIES. Tony Soprano isn’t a misogynist because he’s fat in the way that Sam from Game of Thrones is weak because he’s fat. He isn't a fat token character without any other personality traits. He doesn't exist within the show to help more attractive characters or for the audience to laugh at or humiliate. He’s an anti-hero that the audience can’t help but root for, and we’re rooting for him and his love of food and everything else about him, because he’s a deep, well-developed character that we can respect, appreciate, and analyze. He shows that fat people can be more (and not just physically!) 

Note how this photo shows the character as powerful and strong; the statue of liberty is behind him and he looks thoughtful yet a bit menacing. You can also see his unapologetic double chin, wide shoulders, and the hint of his girth. A great photo that definitely captures this actor's talent, and speaks to the fact that fat characters in popular entertainment can be so much more than comic relief. Google search Fat Amy, Peter Griffin, or any other fat character and you will rarely find them portrayed in this way. 

A (Positive!) Open Letter to the WW

Greetings Readers! 

In regards to this post it is arbitrary that today is Throwback Thursday. Instead, I'll be writing an open letter to someone I admire very much: My Partner in Blogging, the Wider Writer. 

If you did not get a chance to read her beautifully honest post yesterday, go back and do that! In the meantime, I want to give her heartfelt post the feedback that it deserves from someone (me!) who knows her very well. Coincidentally, this feedback will also demonstrate how to be a fat ally in constructive ways. Sidenote: Read comments from almost anyone who has given feedback on this blog and you will see the beauty of solidarity and allies. 

Dear WW: 

Did you know that you inspire me everyday? A HUGE (hehe) part of my journey to body acceptance has been your support. From our discussions about our own personal fat issues to our ideas about fat activism, we have taken this journey together just as much as we have taken it alone. There is always a need for support and there are always opportunities to discuss shared experiences, but there are just some parts of the journey to body acceptance that are too immediate, introspective, or painful to express with another person in the moment that they are happening. The fact that you opened up about deep emotional struggles makes me admire you for those very reasons. 

I wish that our lives lined up in regards to being in the same area and working together as teachers the way that they line up in what seems almost every other aspect. I wish I had been able to talk to you yesterday when you were thinking all of the amazing, saddening, and important thoughts that you blogged about. 

That being said, I am so thankful for this safe, cyber space in which we can still share our thoughts and ideas while we are far away. I am also thankful that you posted about your struggles for others to read and benefit from. 

It is so important to blog about the harsh realities of the journey to body empowerment. You are absolutely correct when you say that it never ends. The past two days at my new job, I ate in the teachers lounge with tiny bites and my mouth closed tight. I took note of all the salads that others were eating and felt a bit self-conscious about my own lunch. I LOVE MYSELF, DAMN IT! But it truly never ends, especially when we are fighting against a fat shaming culture. Those roots go too deep to obliterate in the current cultural climate. Despite this, I'm hopeful because there are people like YOU and me who are willing to blog about our experiences and make things BETTER. It doesn't end, but it gets better, definitely! 

I love that you ripped the following nagging thought from your brain and gave voice to it: "I"m afraid of feeling left out." I AM AFRAID OF THIS TOO. If being fat is so awesome, and it certainly is, then what will happen when I'm NOT fat?! 

This is another reason that I am so glad that our blog focuses on body empowerment as a whole. We are fat activists for sure, because fat people need a community and activism, but we also write to other audiences--those who are thin, those who are medium-sized, those who are allies, those who fat shame and whose who don't--and I believe that even as our bodies change throughout life, we will still always have valuable perspectives to offer on body empowerment. 

In fact, if our bodies are someday no longer fat, we will have even MORE experiences to write about; we will have a larger community to discover. We can say that we've been there, and now we're here, and someday we may be fat again, but no matter what we have always tried our best to practice body love. I truly believe that once you have been fat, your identity has been influenced permanently. Some of these influences can be detrimental, but some of them are powerful. Our fatness has given us each a distinct voice that will remain even if we are no longer fat. I credit being fat as something that taught me about humility and finding beauty in everything. These are the thoughts that keep me going, and this is what your post inspired me to finally give voice to. 

Besides the fact that your post had so many points I agree with, showed the less positive but wholly necessary side of being fat and proud, was well written, and clearly displayed deep emotional depth, it made me remember why I wanted to start this blog with you. It reminded me of why we became friends. It reminded me of one of the best (tangible) gifts that I have ever received. It reminded me of why we are so close and why our friendship is so important. 

It made me hope that everyone who reads this blog has a friend like you. 

--The BB 

Whatever Wednesday: Blogging Through Some Struggles

Just me today.  The WW.

I've been word-vomiting on an open document for the past thirty minutes because I've been thinking about some things and questioning myself today.  Word-vomiting is a really good way to process during a struggle because you can write exactly what you're feeling in a particular moment and instead of forgetting it, you can go back and think about those feelings later.  Now that I've done that and kind of worked through what I've been struggling with, I wanted to share what I'm dealing with right now for a couple of reasons.  One, I want you all to know that it is never over.  That sounds hopeless, but even at this point in my journey to self-acceptance, the questioning and self-doubt is still here.  The only thing that has changed is my ability to handle it.  Two, I want you to see that even though it is never over, it is absolutely possible to practice handling it until you get better at it.  Three, I want you to know that we are vulnerable.

There's a lot of shit you have to deal with when you're fat.  Everyone knows that.  You deal with jokes, insults, "concern," self-hatred, unhealthy habits, etc.  In addition to all of this, there's a whole new list of things you have to deal with when you're fat and proud.  Just because you love yourself and feel confident 80% of the time doesn't mean everything else goes away.  Some things are there, some things disappear, and others are replaced with new, unfamiliar difficulties.  The latter is what I'm focusing on today.

"BUT WAIT! This blog is all about self-empowerment!  Why would you pick such a hopeless thing to write about?  How's that supposed to make us feel?" <---probably some of you right now because let's be honest, that opening was pretty bleak.

Self-empowerment doesn't mean only talking about the good things and the things that make you feel powerful.  Yeah, obviously that's the main idea, but you're never going to get anywhere positive unless you also take the time to really think about the things that make you feel weak and disempowered.  Not evaluating those parts of your identity give them power, and it will only make things harder later.  If you only want to read things on this blog that are going to end with a happy message, this post will be a sore disappointment, because that's reality.  You don't have to like this post, but I encourage you to read it anyway.

Betrayal of Self, Betrayal of Community, or Not Even A Betrayal at All

I am committed to advocacy.  I believe it is important to creating a positive change within every community.  This blog is especially important to me because it has given me a voice within a community I can directly identify with: the fat community.  I like to think that I am creating positive change for other people, but also for myself in the process.  I've been very comfortable within this position.  I am supported and encouraged to do what I think is right, and I am safe while doing so.

Part of this commitment to advocacy has led me to this new job.  I now have a chance to work with a different community that I cannot directly identify with.  I know in my head that I am supported by my coworkers in this new community, but I don't feel it yet, so I'm still vulnerable.

My struggle has been to reconcile my strength within one community and my uncertainty within another.  One of the discoveries that I've made about myself in the last two weeks is that I do not take care of myself as well as I've been wanting to, and that is going to need to change for this job if I want to be successful.  The kids are focused on being healthy, both emotionally and physically.  I feel that I am emotionally healthy, but I know that I am not physically healthy.  Right now I'm not referring to my size when I talk about my health.  I'm talking about the fact that I don't eat right or exercise enough.  The weight comes in in a far more complicated way.  I don't think I need to lose weight for this job.  I think I need to change my habits, and I think that I will probably lose weight as a result of that change, but that is not the end goal.

So far, not bad.  I want to make healthy changes, and I might happen to lose weight when I do that.  Here's the problem with it.  I've been so comfortable in my position as a fat and proud person that I'm afraid if I lose weight, I will also lose a valuable part of my identity.  I know some people reading this are thinking that I should not place so much value on my physical size or my flesh, but the fact is I do, because it has been such a shaper for my identity.

I used to think that if I just lost weight, I would be happy and that's all it would take.  Now that I love my body and I'm confident with my emotional stability on the matter, I'm afraid to change that.  I don't want to lose weight and simply become another "success" story and get lost in the fold.  I want my success story to be about my committment to advocacy and my confidence and empowerment.  I've been afraid that I will be betraying this community that I've felt safe in if I lose weight.  If my body changes, I won't be fat in the way that I am now.  And I think that this is why I've been struggling with these healthier choices.It probably seems crazy to say that I don't want to be anything but fat like I am now, because most of the time, we strive for the exact opposite.  We always want to be smaller.  I'm afraid to be smaller.  I know who I am now.  I don't know who I would be if I wasn't fat.  I hope that kind of makes sense.

Another aspect of this is something that I really don't want to admit but I'm going to tell you anyway.  I don't want to be left out.  I am comfortable.  I am safe.  I am happy.  If I'm not as fat as I am anymore, I will occupy a different position in the community, and I will feel left out.  It sounds childish and petty, but no matter how old you are, you will always want some level of companionship.  It would be akin to walking into a cafeteria in your new high school and you wouldn't know where to sit.  That is a trope of almost every teenager movie ever, and that's because it is such a common human feeling.  We are social creatures.  We thrive on community.

But I've been focusing on the fact that I'll be betraying either myself of my community if I do this thing.  I haven't been thinking about how I'm betraying myself now by being afraid.  I am a strong and beautiful advocate, and it doesn't matter what amount of flesh there is around all of that.  Doubting myself is only doing more damage.  The other thing that I haven't really been fairly considering is that I might still be fat.  I may not even lose weight just because I'm making healthier choices.  I doubt that I would not lose weight, because I know that a lot of my current body weight is a result of unhealthy emotional and physical choices from my past.  It hasn't always been there.

But that part shouldn't even be important.  If you have been skimming until this point (I wouldn't blame you), this is the part you should read and internalize.  Like every fat person does at least once in their life, I have made the mistake of making my weight kore important than my health, but in a different way this time.  Instead of striving for a smaller number on the scale over a happy body, I have been sacrificing a happy body by clinging to a number on a scale.  I bolded that bit because it was such an epiphany for me when I was word-vomiting that I feel everyone needs to know it.  In fact, here it is again in large print so you can't miss it:

Instead of striving for a smaller number on the scale over a happy body, I have been sacrificing a happy body by clinging to a number on a scale.

This is SOOOO important.  It helped me realize that making healthy choices to be a healthier role model and to be more successful in my dream career is not a betrayal of any kind at all.  My body will probably change, but that doesn't mean I'm betraying my identity.  I will always be committed to advocacy and positive change.

To wrap this up, I guess I could say that things ended pretty positively.  I hope.  I'm going to try to occupy this weird place of being fat and proud and also being okay with any other change.  I always say I'm okay with however my body changes, but I think I can confidently say that I'm better equipped to handle it now if it happens.

Thanks to all of you who made it through this post.  Sorry if it seemed bleak or confusing or hard to follow or difficult to relate to.  We'll do something a little more fun and light-hearted next time!

Taggin' Hash Tuesday: #baddayturnaround

From the BB:

I’d like to share a #baddayturnaround story for today’s Taggin’ Hash Tuesday!

Yesterday I was exploring my new city with my partner, and we decided to take a walk around the local mall to see what types of shops were inside. We were having a great time looking at funny t-shirts, DVDs, and even a strange animal called a sugar bear that they happened to have at the mall for some reason, when I encountered some serious fat shaming.

As we made our second lap around three young girls sitting in massage chairs in the center of the mall, I saw them staring at me. I didn’t think anything of it; people stare at me all the time. But then, I heard the following comments:

 

“…weird shape..”

“…hehe…”

“…oh my god…ew…”

I tried to ignore these comments, but I’m sure my face was very red. I immediately knew that they were talking about me. I had dressed in what I thought was a cute outfit—some tights and a dress with a cardigan. I had felt confident as I looked in the mirror that morning. Now some strangers were criticizing my shape?

It got worse.

As we passed where the girls were sitting I distinctly heard the mention of “back fat” with giggles. I walked a little faster and was very relieved to turn the corner. I could still hear them laughing, though, and I just wanted to get out of that mall.

I walked faster towards the exit and told my partner what had just happened. He was really concerned—he hadn’t even heard them say that.

Before I tell you how my bad day turned around, I want to discuss a few important points.

This is a perfect anecdote with which to discuss privilege. Even though I love my body I know that each time I go to a public place I will most likely be judged for it. I am hyper aware of the sidelong looks, the concealed giggles, and the validation that others feel when they see someone bigger than themselves. If you’ve never had to think about this stuff when you go somewhere—and I mean anywhere, from a restaurant to a shoe store—then you most likely have thin privilege (or just not-fat body privilege).

I don’t write this to make anyone who does have body privilege feel bad. As we’ve mentioned in previous blog entries, people sometimes reverse fat shaming by making jabs at skinny people. This is obviously not the right thing to do, either. Still, in the fat-thin binary fat is always the LEAST favored side. But I’m not skinny, so I’m not comfortable writing about that experience.

What I am comfortable writing about is the experience of being judged for being fat. I point out the body privilege at work here because if you have a body that isn’t constantly judged by others then you can work to help those who don’t have the same privilege. Even if you don’t mean to, try to be aware of when you stare at a fat person too long in a public place, when you criticize your body in front of fat women in stores, and especially stop yourself from publicly insulting someone about their weight. People watching doesn’t have to be people judging.

I’d like to expand on that last point. Even though I am in a great place on my path to body empowerment, I am not immune to what others think of me. I would like to be, but I am not. Having a stranger insult your appearance is really damaging. (Obviously it hurts when a loved one does this, but hopefully you would be comfortable enough with that person to tell them that it hurts you). With a stranger, people may not feel confident enough to stand up to them. I myself did not feel brave enough to stand up to those girls in the mall.

I think what was most hurtful about being insulted from a stranger was that the first impression I made on someone was negative. Instead of seeing my physical body and thinking “oh that’s a nice dress” or “oh she has cute glasses” or even “she looks interesting…maybe I should go talk to her” (okay, that last one’s a stretch) the first thing a stranger thought about me was that I had a weird shape and back fat, and that those facts were hilarious.

I know that physical appearance is typically what people judge because it’s the first thing we see. I also know that because they chose to insult my appearance rather than find something nice about it or even keep their opinions to themselves that they are the ones at fault, not me. These facts, however, do not make it any less hurtful that the first impression I made on someone was that I was a big, fat, hilarious joke. 

As I said before, I would love to have gone back and stood up to those girls, but I didn’t. I didn’t want them to make fun of me even more, and I didn’t want them to pity me. I wasn’t sure if they would understand if I started talking about fat activism or body politics…I didn’t know if they were well-versed in those concepts and still didn’t agree with them. I hope to be at a point in my journey to body acceptance where none of these things matter and I can walk up to a stranger and tell them why they are being cruel, intolerant, rude, and ignorant…but I’m just not there yet.

After this happened I was obviously very upset. I felt like my whole day was ruined and I felt bad about myself. I was very self-conscious for the rest of the day and I didn’t even want to keep my plans to eat out at a public restaurant. (Although in the end I did eat at the restaurant). Then I got mad. I was angry at myself for letting it get to me so much. I started to doubt whether or not I really am as body positive as I claim to be. If I loved myself, why did I feel so bad?

So, here’s the good part: My #baddayturnaround

I talked about a lot of the points above with my partner, who happens to love video games, comics, and orchestral video game soundtracks. (Don’t worry, that’s relevant later). He told me the following:

“It’s okay to be hurt. You should be hurt because they did something cruel and wrong, and you didn’t deserve it. You love your fat body, and so do I, including your back fat and unique shape. Still, no matter how much you accept it and love it, if someone makes your body into an insult, it’s going to hurt, because they meant it in a mean way. It doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself, it just means that you know when you’re being insulted. Even though I’m a self-proclaimed nerd, if someone called me that in an aggressive and mean way, I would feel bad even while still being secure in my nerdiness. No matter what, it just sucks when someone is mean to you, especially a stranger and for no reason. But no matter why those girls insulted you, you just have to focus on the fact that what they believe to be negative qualities are actually positive ones. You prove that everyday with your blog and new self-confidence.”

 This is a simple solution, but it’s really powerful. My bad day turned around when 1) I received love and reassurance from my partner, 2) I realized that words hurt even though I love myself, because I am still an emotional human being and 3) my moment of self-doubt was just a moment, because I really do love myself and the body positive work I am doing.

In addition, this story gives me the opportunity to blog about my experiences and to hopefully help someone else who has faced a similar crisis. It also allows me to also to show people why laughing at a stranger or judging their appearance is never innocent fun, but actually very hurtful. It gives me the chance to talk about checking body privilege and raising body positive awareness. 

A simple rule to follow: Are your words helpful or harmful? Think before you speak. It could make a huge difference in someone's life. 

Dear Someone Sunday: NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK (us, not the band)

Hello Readers! Have you ever been in that awkward situation where you meet someone new and you wonder what they are thinking of you? We certainly have. Most of the time we assume that they are thinking something about our weight. Considering the fact that we both just moved and got new jobs, there are a lot of new people in our lives that we'd like to assure, "we're okay with being fat!"

Dear New Co-Workers, Neighbors, and Friends,

I just want you to know that I saw those meant-to-be-subtle glances at my body, and while some were filled with pity, and some with judgment or contempt, I'm okay with you looking because it gives me a chance to try to express that I'm okay with how I look.  Unfortunately, I don't think some of you got that, evident in your comments heavily laden with hints about how difficult this job might be because of how I look, and it made me wish that there was an easier way to just come out of the Fat Closet of Shame and say, "Don't worry about me, because I'm fat and I love it."

So here is our coming out letter to you all. Let's start with what's wrong with your concern.

My body should not EVER make my job as a teacher difficult.  In fact, my body and my confidence about my body should be an EXCELLENT teaching moment for impressionable young students.  We should hire more fat confident teachers to help young people see what true self-love and respect look like.  (Yes, we realize this is an unrealistic and very profilingy fantasy, but go with it because it is only to prove a point.)  Your assumption that my self-love and respect can't overcome adversity is an insult in itself.

Now that we have that out of the way, we wanted to tell you some things you wouldn't have known by just looking at us.

1.  We actually like our bodies, even if you don't.

2.  Being fat doesn't mean we eat constantly and don't move around, so please don't judge us during lunch or conversations about how you went to the gym last night.  We get tired of the awkward and hasty "OMG IT WAS SO HARD TO WORK OUT" comments from the considerate people when they suddenly realize that they've been discussing exercise in front of a fat person.

3. Don't be awkward if some kind of fat-accident happens and there's no way to cover it up. This sounds oddly specific, but when you're fat and you are used to manuevering around small spaces with a big body, you know that things can get awkward. So if my side fat bumps a desk or I knock some markers off of the board with my backfat, please don't look at me with pity or laugh awkwardly. I'm okay with my body, but classrooms with close together desks just weren't made for me.

4. This is similar to number 2, but please do not talk about your new diet at lunch!! This is a rule that should apply to all lunch situations, not just at the work place. Hearing about a diet while you are enjoying your precious few minutes of lunch during a busy day is just torture! I want to enjoy my food and not feel guilty while I'm eating it.  Also, if you discuss your diet, please be fully aware that I will tell you, "I don't diet anymore.  Instead I eat foods that are good for me and make me feel good and I don't spend my eating time thinking about why I shouldn't be eating something.  Instead, I spend my eating time eating and enjoying it."  Or something like that.

Most of all, I ask that you don't judge me. Talk to me before you assume anything about me or my body. It's difficult to ask this of people when we are conditioned to categorize people immediately so that they fit into our conception of the world, but it's a great self-challenge and a really important practice.

We want to take a moment to do some shout-outs.

To the teacher who invited me to do crossfit training with the students during my observation of their gym class WITHOUT making assumptions about my body and how I probably didn't want to do crossfit training, I just wanted to say that I didn't want to do any crossfit training, but I appreciate that you asked me anyway!

Shout out to the neighborhood store owner who didn't make any assumptions about me as I went through your crowded store. I appreciate that you didn't nervously look at me as I navigated the close aisles. You weren't waiting for me to knock over something so that you could make me buy it. Instead, you welcomed me to the neighborhood and you were very kind.

To the Lane Bryant lady who talked about the way pants fit our similar bodies, thanks for helping me find some really comfortable jeans and making me feel welcome and in good company.

To the staff at my new job, thank you for looking me in the eyes when you interviewed me, for making me feel very welcome in your building, and for not making any awkward comments at all about diets, weight, exercise, or the way that clothing fits.

Shout out to the students too, because you asked me about myself and seem genuinely interested in me as a person, not a first assumption about me.

We all know what it is like to be new, whether it means living in a new place or being the new person at your new job or school.  It is awkward enough without the painfully obvious glances at our fat bodies.  So this is a letter to let you know that we are OKAY with how we look, and in fact we LOVE IT. It is also a letter to caution you against assumptions, and to thank those of you who have made us feel like people, not stereotypes.

This is us in our new places.

We hope that as we stop being new, you come to know us and our beliefs and start to reevaluate your own ideas about bodies or even pat yourself on the back for thinking positively about bodies already.

Sincerely,

Gribbski

Student Saturday: WE'RE TEACHING STUDENTS NOW

Hello Readers! We have again decided to give you some life updates about the BB and WW. As you already know, both of us have been job searching and in the midst of moving madness. Here are our respective updates and insights about life! 

From the BB: 

Having just moved into my first apartment EVER just YESTERDAY, I am simultaneously thrilled, exhausted, and content. It already feels like home, and I am having such a great time decorating, organizing, and relaxing with my partner and new kitty. (But, as always, there is that twinge of apprehension when meeting the landlord, neighbors, and new people as I wonder what they think of my bigger body). I am excited to get out and explore the town as well, and see what kinds of local body positive culture I can find! 

In addition, I have now officially obtained a TEACHING POSITION! As my first paying education job, I have high hopes for myself and the students. Again, I cannot wait to explore the school, see what the students are like, and do my best as an educator. I look forward to classroom opportunities to discuss body positivity and really any issues of activism that students are interested in. (I am both prepared for and interested in awkward questions and/or comments about fat bodies). This is a temporary position, but I believe that the experience will help me in finding a more permanent one, and I am super excited to be starting out at a small school with small class sizes. I look forward to really getting to know my students! 

From the WW:

I recently was offered a job at a residential treatment center for teens near where I am currently living.  They happened to have an English position open, and it also just so happens that I found a posting on craigslist six hours after they posted it.  This was also on the evening of our very first life update.  I was so excited to receive the phone call!!!  This place will give me opportunities to be both an educator and an advocate for young people who need someone like that in their lives.  It will be a rough start.  I've been told multiple times that one of the top qualities of their teachers is a thick skin, because a part of the condition that most of these kids have compels them to attack figures of authority, both verbally and physically (though the latter is nowhere near common).  I feel as though they've stressed this so much partially because they can already find one weakness: my physical size.  Despite my confident assurances that I do have a thick skin, it doesn't seem to register that the thick skin also literally and figuratively encompasses my size.  I wish there was an easy way to just say, "Yes, I'm fat, and thanks for the concern, but I really don't need it."  I do not have any doubt that the kids will bring it up.  In fact, as my size is one of the first things that strangers will notice about me, I'd be surprised if they didn't, especially since a lot of them don't seem to have a filter.  I'm more nervous about remembering all of the little complicated things I'll have to remember to provide a safe, welcoming, and nurturing classroom.  But to wrap it up, I'm very excited about this opportunity.  This could be my job for the rest of my life, and if it does become that, I think I'll be a very lucky person.

In addition to our life updates, please enjoy this wonderful photo which again sums up all of the points on our blog, because even when we are giving readers updates on our personal lives, we are always feeling fat, proud, and beautiful: 

Whatever Wednesday: TOP TEN STEPS to Body Empowerment!

Hello lovely readers! Today we are going to take something that we think is really valuable from our Whatever Wednesday "junk drawer:" a comprehensive list of actual steps that you can take on your path to body empowerment. We write about a lot of personal experiences, empowering messages, and even backwards and offensive media, but we realize that we have not given our readers a very direct idea of exactly HOW to become body positive.

Disclaimer: These steps may not work for everyone; but they definitely work for us! They may also work in any order for you. Try some of them out and see how your path to body positivity improves! (If you are unhappy with your body at any stage, not just fat, these tips apply to you, too!)  

Also, please enjoy these motivational pictures we've gathered!

The BB and WW Top Ten Steps to Body Empowerment:

1. Tell Yourself That You Are Beautiful.

This is from the WW.  You guys probably remember me talking about this before, but it is absolutely one of the most important things I did for myself to get to where I am now, so it definitely belongs on this list.  You need to believe that you ARE BEAUTIFUL exactly how you are, including all those imperfections you were taught to hate.  Cellulite on the back of your thighs, love handles with stretched and purpled marks like you've been clawed by a bear, that wobbly bit on the front of your stomach that hangs over your jeans, fat fingers that trap your rings, armpit pudge that refuses to allow just a tank top on a hot summer day, the fat overhang on the back of your knee, the chubby cheeks that flush so easily.  All of these things are a part of you, and just as you need praise and love, so too do these pieces of you.  Tell yourself you're beautiful when you're seeing friends or family who haven't seen you since you gained that extra twenty pounds.  Tell yourself you're beautiful when you're in the dressing room, trying to decide if you want to admit that you're the next size up or just tell the salesperson that the item fit, you just didn't like how it fell on you, and then hope they don't give you a pitying look.  Tell yourself you're beautiful when you're alone and content.  Tell yourself you're beautiful when your smaller friends talk about dieting and how out of shape they are.  Tell yourself you're beautiful with your best fat friend, and make sure you tell her, too.  The only rule here is end the sentence after beautiful.  DO NOT EVER ADD A COMMA BUT or an IF to that sentence.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

2. Surround Yourself With People Who Affirm Your Beauty.

If you have friends, a partner, or family members who constantly criticize your body type, it can be difficult to confront them because you love them. However, it is VITAL to surround yourself with people who are going to affirm your beauty rather than reinforce a negative self-concept. Instead of cutting ties with important people in your life you can always try to educate them. Tell them that you are having a hard time and that you need support, not criticism. Let them know that you are trying to love yourself, not qualify your body every second of the day.

On the other hand, if someone claims they will be less attracted to you, physically or as a a person, because of any changes that your body goes through, then honestly you probably don't need that person in your life. If a person really loves and supports you, then they should empathize and stop any body shaming nonsense that they think is helping you. If they won't, then it is up to you to surround yourself with people that will treat you better.

Once you have a support system--like the friendship shared by the BB and the WW, and their support from their partners, for example--your path to body positivity becomes much easier and much more empowering. The condition of your self-concept ultimately lies with you, but having a support system that believes in you and affirms your inner AND outer beauty is a key step in self-improvement.

Side note: Don't settle for people who just "tolerate" your body type either. Surround yourself with those who have a genuine respect for you and your body and who will compliment you, help you out on a bad day, and be your biggest cheerleaders.

3. Don't Torture Yourself With Unrealistic Expectations.

The first thing that comes to the BB's mind with number three is clothing. Absolutely DO NOT buy clothing that is too small for you with the goal of fitting into it. This is a really specific guideline but it happens so often that it needs to be addressed. It may seem like an inspirational idea to buy a smaller size because you think that you'll feel accomplished when you finally fit into it. However, what if it is unrealistic for your body to be that smaller size? What happens when you never fit into it, and you torture yourself by staring at those jeans, that skirt, or the tiny top hanging in your closet and wishing your body away instead of loving it as is?

I'm writing from experience here. I have been guilty of holding onto clothes that are in good shape but simply don't fit me because I believed that I wanted to, and could, be that size again. For some of us, getting smaller isn't attainable, and that's supported by research. For others, it is achievable, in a correct and healthy fashion, but don't torture yourself WHILE your body is changing.

You will always, always ALWAYS feel best when you dress for the body that you have, not the body that you want.

It's about loving your body in all stages, and not using fat shaming--"I'm not worthy until I fit into THAT smaller size"--to improve your self-concept. After all, if you have to shame yourself into doing something, then you aren't going about it in a healthy way.

Another one of these unrealistic expectations is that you'll be able to lose weight FAST before you see people you haven't seen for a long time.  We know that a lot of fat people go through this.  For instance, going to events like high school reunions or weddings of old friends can be stressful if you've gained your weight since you last saw them, much like the BB and the WW, who gained the majority of their weight in the last few years.  Sometimes fatties (the WW remembers doing this for trips back home during college holidays) will take drastic measures to achieve a past body weight, like extreme diet and exercise.  That kind of behavior is not healthy and it is not giving yourself a realistic expectation.  You don't need to worry about what other people think, because as long as you can be confident in yourself and your own success as a professional or just as a person, it won't even matter!  It might surface a little, because old habits like that are hard to break, but you'll at least have the ability to shove it back down.

4. Read Something Empowering Everyday

The WW and the BB started out by reading The Militant Baker.  We didn't even read it every day (although the WW pulled it out more than once when she needed some inspiration), but reading something empowering (LIKE OUR BLOG, COOL HOW THAT GOT IN THERE HUH) every day could really speed along the process.

Check out links on the side of our blog for more body empowerment.

5. Start Analyzing The Media That You Are Surrounded With

Don't automatically assume that all of those weight loss ads you see everyday are correct--Start questioning them! As you can read in many of our previous posts, research definitely does not always support the skinny=healthy and fat=unhealthy assertion. This false equivalency fuels so much of the media that we are bombarded with. Take initiative and call out those ads that make assumptions, fallacies, and stereotypes their main focus to sell a product. The more that you discover how incorrect and damaging these messages can be, the more empowered you will feel.  (YOU CAN LOOK AT OUR BLOG FOR MORE MEDIA ANALYSIS TOO)

6.  STOP DIETING.

Eat foods that make your body feel good.  You don't need to worry about all that other crap yet.  When doing a journey towards body empowerment, you need to sever all ties with dieting, and that includes things like limiting carbs, counting calories, and cutting out sugars.  That's because dieting is impossibly tied to beauty and self-image.  Once you get through to a healthier mental state, it will be easier for you to get back into healthy eating habits without also damaging your self image.

7. Start Accepting and Believing Compliments

When someone gives you a genuine compliment, don't feel you have to deny the compliment at first just because you are fat. We've all been there. The thought process is something like this: Oh, someone actually complimented me...better brush it off since I'm fat and maybe they were just trying to be nice, even though I'm secretly hoping that they will say it again and I can graciously accept it the second time around because now I deserve it.

Hope that makes sense, readers!

YOU DESERVE TO ACCEPT A COMPLIMENT THE FIRST TIME. YOU ARE WORTHY OF THAT COMPLIMENT. DON'T OVERTHINK IT.

The BB and the WW are both guilty of not accepting compliments or qualifying them with an "oh, thanks. It'd be better if I lost some weight!" However, once you actually start believing those compliments you'll find that people are actually more willing to give them, and the more they give them, the more you becoming willing to accept them. It's a very positive cycle. Who wants to give a compliment to someone who always denies it? Reach out and take that compliment!

8. Reach Out To Other Fatties! We Are Here For You!

As mentioned above, it is really helpful to have friends who are supportive of you and your journey.  But you know what else really helps?  When YOU become that supportive friend!  If you are affirming another person's self worth, it is hard to not recognize your own.  Also, when you have that bond with another person, you have an awesome support system.  The BB and the WW have reached a point where we affirm each other almost every day, not because we necessarily NEED it then, but because we both recognize the value of that affirmation.  Also, if you EVER need any hints to get started out, PLEASE get in touch with us!  We'd love to share the fat love with you!

9. Check Your Own Bias

It is NOT empowering to criticize other people, whether they are the same weight as you or not, because you feel badly about yourself.  If you're a fat person and you say things like "Ohhh that skinny girl needs to eat a sandwich!" you are participating in body shaming. STOP THAT. Skinny people have a right to feel beautiful just as fat people do. Reverse shaming isn't going to solve anything.

Additionally, don't qualify your fat. In a previous post we linked a short story, The Strange History of Suzanne LaFleshe, in which the main character says something like: "Well, I'm a fat girl, but I'm not the kind of fat girl with a double chin or anything." Fat people often look to other, fatter people to make themselves feel better about their own fat. This is body shaming, too!

Finally, self-bias is a very really thing. Don't underestimate yourself because you are fat. Don't assume that being fat will prevent you from moving forward in life. Once you assume that, it is difficult to prove to yourself that it is untrue. Don't make self-deprecating comments that only make others believe that it's okay for them to criticize you, too.

10. Never Apologize For Being Fat!

Do we really have to explain this one?  Don't apologize to other people.  Don't apologize to yourself.  JUST BE FAT.  JUST LOVE YOURSELF.  JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT.  No apology necessary.

Look at yesterday's post for an example--just because you don't fit in a public restroom, doesn't mean that you are at fault. CHANGE THE WORLD INSTEAD OF CHANGING YOURSELF. Unapologetically, love yourself.

For more information on being unapologetically you, check out The Body is Not An Apology.  They have a wonderful, active Facebook page.