Fat-Shaming Friday: Silent Shaming and Fat Solidarity

Today's Fat-Shaming Friday focuses on something that non-fat people might be less aware of: unspoken shaming. If you're fat, or ever have been, we are sure that you have probably experienced this. It's the way people look at you when you take off your coat, the concealed smirks or sidelong glances when you select the XXL off of the rack at a store. It's not about whether or not these people are actually thinking bad thoughts about your weight--some probably are, and some probably aren't. The point is that we live in a fat shaming society that makes certain situations that some take for granted uncomfortable for others. When you're fat, you kind of assume that everyone is constantly judging you.

Take the following for an example: The WW has experienced a sort of anxiety at Wal-Mart when purchasing bras or underwear (yeah, I can't afford that stuff anywhere else). While I am well-endowed, a lot of people think fat girls only have large breasts because they're fat. Not so for me, but even if it was, I shouldn't be afraid of being judged for my bra size.  And it doesn't mean people don't think that’s where I got them. So when I'm buying my cheap underwear, I sometimes (yeah, even still) find myself examining the cashiers to see which ones will be less likely to judge me. Most of the time, I just go for the self-checkout.

The BB has experienced these same anxiety-inducing situations as well, especially when shopping. So, cue the benefits of fat people solidarity. One awesome thing about having a fat-tastic friendship like myself and the WW is that you can go shopping together. This is significant because of the scenario that the WW just described. When someone is with you that is around the same size, it feels a little more okay to go for that XXL or that big ol' bra. However, it doesn't solve everything. Even with fat people solidarity, there comes unspoken shaming. It feels like people are thinking, "oh, two fat chicks shopping together. Typical."

Here's a peek into a typical shopping trip for the BB and the WW. Because our university is in a small town with very limited shopping, our only fat girl stores of choice are Maurices and Cato. Both stores often have jeans that fit well and attractive tops that fit and flatter our bodies. However, each store feels very different. Our number one choice is often Cato, perhaps because of the clear division of Plus Sizes and Other Sizes. At Maurices, there's usually one side that is designated for plus sizes, but it is often confusing and doesn’t span the entire length of the store, so you could get halfway back and be out of the plus sizes. While I think that segregation in other ways is not good, I think that Cato's proud claiming of "FAT GIRLS OVER HERE" is helpful because it isn't confusing and because it doesn't try to blend in, like it often does at Maurices. Fat girls are taught to blend in all the time, when we should be taught that we are beautiful and deserve nice clothes, too.  Maurices also has different clothes for the fat girls than they do for the “regular” girls.  Some of them are the same, but usually if you find something that looks cute on the “regular” side, you won’t find it on the plus side.  Cato, however, carries the same products on both sides, with only a little variation.

Another reason we love Cato is because of the staff. In both stores, the employees are of all sizes. However, not just skinnies judge fatties. Fat girls hate on other fat girls, too. In our experience, the girls at Cato are more comfortable with themselves and are more comfortable providing honest clothing advice to their larger customers. They provide a wonderful, refreshing, much-needed sense of fat solidarity.  The girls at Maurices, however, often seemed distant or uncomfortable when we asked how something looked on the BB's stomach or when we joked about the WW's calves.

At Cato, the BB and WW have had a real conversation about bodies with the staff members. On one occasion, we discussed long versus short torsos with a staff member, and how tops tend to fit depending on where you carry more weight. The conversation felt relaxed and typical--she wasn't at all nervous or uncomfortable with being honest about different shapes and sizes.  At Maurices, when the WW asked for boot socks that would fit over wide calves, the staff member was clearly uncomfortable but also trying to cover it up. She stammered, "Well, I think these look pretty stretchy so they might go over your legs," and then looked immediately ashamed for acknowledging the WW's calf size.

In this case, the WW was shamed both verbally and non-verbally. The tone of voice used by the sales person indicated discomfort, while at the same time her actions, looks, and body language highlighted that discomfort. Whether it's an out loud "Go take a walk...and not around the grocery store" or a nonverbal glance, uncomfortable silence, or a quick shift of the eyes, fat shaming happens all of the time. 

 On a lighter note, this is what these fat girls look like after a particularly satisfying trip to Cato: